This morning, I went out to get my mail and who did I see but no other than former Republican nominee and perpetually sad potato Ted Cruz. No, it wasn’t an imposter, like the time I thought Jeb Bush was my mailman and I was proven wrong. I am 100% sure Texas senator and steely-eyed clay golem Ted Cruz is my neighbor and there is no way you can convince me otherwise.
“James,” you might say, “how can American Politician and model citizen of Candyland Ted Cruz be your neighbor? You have been tricked once again.” That statement is false. There is no proof which contradicts the fact that Princeton Alumni and Doberman turned human by a witchdoctor Ted Cruz is my neighbor. I saw him take out his mail and look at it for a good four-to-five seconds. After scanning through the letters and bills, he looked at me and sighed, “When will Time Warner learn I am not interested in these amazing deals?” I then looked at him dead in his smart toddler eyes and said, “You’re famous Hispanic American and personified Happy Meal that is missing one chicken nugget Ted Cruz.” He then quickly responded, “Yes and I am also your neighbor.”
There it is. Undeniable truth. Right-wing politician and reptilian overlord that keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed Ted Cruz told me that I was his neighbor. You were not there, you cannot say it didn’t happen, because it did. Now, you may argue that some poor soul looks like Iowa Caucus winner and fake smile expert Ted Cruz. That argument has no grounds in logic held by any sane human on earth. No person would ever admit to being technical Canadian and Zodiac Killer Ted Cruz. Nobody would fake that. You just can’t accept the fact that Harvard Law School graduate and incidental “Monster Mash” creator Ted Cruz lives in my vicinity. I’m sorry this true fact will probably always drive a stake between us, but I will not back down. Ted Cruz is my neighbor and you can’t prove me wrong.
–James Wagner, Senior Staff Member