An eight month Michigan pilot program found that not a single person had tested positive for illegal drugs1. Surely this was impossible as everyone knows that the people on welfare are have nothing to do all day but drain government money and smoke crack. Further analyzing the samples, the drug testing company found every single urine sample belonged to President Barack Obama. The President singlehandedly peed in over 300 cups in order to protect all of the illegal immigrants and terrorists draining the welfare system and stealing our jobs.
I wish that was it, but the rabbit hole goes further folks. This isn’t an isolated incident. In 2015, Florida concluded its drug testing program, which turned up similar results. They turned up a positive test of 2%, instead of the state average use of 9.4%2. How is this possible?
Barack.
HUSSEIN.
Obama.
Pissed.
In.
Cups.
Aside from trying to hide the fact that crack heads are scamming the government, many suspect that this was an attempt to tarnish the reputation of Rick Scott, the governor of Florida. Scott was going to use his own biotech company to test the crack heads, but stupid commie liberals complained that Scott had a “conflict of interest.” So in order to prove he didn’t, he transferred control of the company to his wife because there was no way he would see any of that money if his wife had it2. When Fuhrer Barry O found out god emperor Rick Scott did this in order to “dodge Florida law,” Barack Binhitler pissed in a bunch of cups. Checkmate, democraps.
Certainly these drug testing programs are not the product of a corrupt government, conflict of interests, or classist attitudes towards the impoverished. The failure of these tests to produce results is solely due to Barack Obama peeing in cups.
—Adam Hribar, Staff Member
1 https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jun/21/michigan-welfare-drug-testing-program