1. Gravity is just a theory. Much like global warming and evolution, gravity is also just a theory. We have no idea why it works. I’m definitely a real scientist. I have taken all the required courses, believe it or not. I have studied under various aliases at very prestigious institutions such as M.l.T, Harvard, and Cal Tech. I have learned many things, one of them being that theories are generally meaningless.

2. Light is both a particle and a wave. Come on, something can’t be two things at once. You need to show your work like everyone else. Again, the Quantum theory of light is just that, a theory. There are no real world tests you can do to prove me otherwise. The two slit test doesn’t really show anything except that light can pass through holes, and that holes are empty.

3. All of the problems you did in your high school physics class were made up and didn’t include all of the variables. That’s right. Nobody told you everything you needed to know and that’s why you failed all of those tests. Their pendulum problems never accounted for friction and always took place in 2D space, unlike real pendulums. Checkmate, science.

4. I’m a real scientist, so you have to believe me. I have a degree from a university just like every other scientist. Anyone who asks me to show them is a conspiracy theorist. You’re absolutely crazy if you don’t trust me, a real scientist, who passed all of his science classes like Physics 1, and Physics 2, and Advanced Physics 4 Dummies, a real textbook given to me by my professors in college. It’ true. I still have it on my bookshelf; that’s where I get all my facts from.

5. Everything you’ve ever heard about Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei were wrong. This guy, maybe you’ve heard of him, probably not, Albert Einstein? He came along in the 1940s and proved everything they had ever done wrong. I heard so from my physics professor in college:

“Everything you’ve ever learned about physics is wrong”

—Physics Professor

6. After that quote, my professor definitely didn’t go on to tell me that I was a failure, or that I had completely misunderstood the material. I’m not bitter about any physics professor I’ve ever had. See, I just cited one in the last item on this totally not click-baity itemized list. No one ever failed me in a class or on a test. I have all of my transcripts from college and they totally prove me right, but I did so well I was told not to tell anyone.

7. This article wasn’t written to get clicks or shares, it was written to inform people why me, a real scientist, thinks physics is broken. Clearly from all of the evidence I’ve given you so far, you, too, think physics is broken. I have in no way suggested that I might not be real, or made up quotes from made up people, like Albert Einstein, or my college physics professor.  

8. Physics is a lie. There totally exists a real, not-made-up particle nicknamed “The God Particle,” that proves God exists. We know for a fact that this changes fundamental laws of physics, breaking it and remolding it into the thing we know today: a lie made up by the media to distract people from what really matters.

9. Schrodinger’s Cat, a popular internet meme, is also a lie. It is in no way an analogy made up to help people understand the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics. These scientists advocated for the murder of small animals so can they really be good people, or are they just another bunch of liars?

10. I have done at least 5 non-repeatable experiments with very conclusive results that show why physics is broken. These were once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to witness. I recorded all of the results in a super-secret notebook that no one knows about. And trust me, the results are pretty wild. If I ever decide to publish them, most scientists and physics professors will finally be proud of me. So take my word, physics is broken.
—Adam Hribar, Staff Member