He just asked me to write a comedy piece. Huh. Maybe I should. But what should I write about? What is funny, anyway? What has been funny? Think of the past few days. I broke my watch. Is that funny? Hmm, maybe. What if I broke any watch? Well, of course that would be funny. No brainer. Those headphones do look expensive. A recycling bin? Perhaps. Have recycling bins been funny this whole time? Have I been missing out? Who has been laughing at recycling bin jokes? I have to know. Let’s make some. Man puts trash in recycling bin. Man puts human flesh in recycling bin. No, no, no. Man puts human being in waste bin. AHA! THAT’S IT! Waste bins are the funny receptacles, not the recycling bins. Phew. That would have been embarrassing if I let that out. Recycling bin jokes. Pfft. Can we expand on this idea, though?
Maybe I’m misattributing the cause of what’s funny. Is man himself funny? Man himself! He’s funny! But what does he do? Curtains? Does he do something with curtains? He places the curtains. Why? Who? He has blue shoes. The concept of blue shoes, though, not the concept of color. Can you make fun of a door? Let’s write a joke. “Those shoes look fucking stupid, only because they are blue.” Ooh, classic. Let’s follow it up. “They make me sad, but not blue, because that is a stupid comparison.” Ah, yes. Tying it all together. I hope he likes these jokes. A lock serves useful functions, so we can’t poke fun at that. No no. Now, a ventilation system. Would you want to make fun of it? No, not a vent. A vent’s no good. Ventilation systems are a waste of time, but not space, they lack space. Making fun of the lack of something. Does it work?
The lack of good conversation in a room full of priests. Germans? Should we put Canadians in the setup? We could put the Germans in at any time and remove them from the punchline. Is the removal the punchline? I have to be multicultural. Germans and Canadians. We craft a joke from many parts. Where do we put the headphones in? Even though they’re expensive, we could call them cheap. Mhm. Classic alliteration. So, to sum up: backpack, water bottle, easel, piano bench, and Parliament. Great! Let’s put them together. He’s really going to enjoy this joke.
–Graham Bartels, Contributer