RANEY HOUSE—Elijah Karkowski was caught on Monday with his roommate dead on the floor in their room, having been strangled with the roommate agreement they had signed days earlier.
Karkowski describes his roommate, Chaz, as “the typical college slob: a testament to American gluttony and excess and geekiness.” Karkowski states, as the police confirmed that there were “dozens and dozens of empty soda cans in the recycle bin, enough to make a small fighter jet during World War II.” Chaz did not abide by the aluminum rationing laws set forth 75 years beforehand. “He would make popcorn,” Karkowski continued, “so much that our room forever had that pervasive odor that you get at seedy pornographic movie theaters that are trying to make the transition to being a legitimate place where parents can take their kids to spend $9 on popcorn.”
Until one day, Karkowski, like the popcorn… popped.
The day of his death, the victim stormed into the room while Karkowski was doing his homework and began to play Minecraft with his headphones on, something Karkowski describes as being “characteristic of Chaz. I could sleep through it pretty well most of the time.” But not that day. Police Speculate that this is how the altercation started: Chaz decided that he was going to have a conversation with his girlfriend while he played. Karkowski then says that Chaz started, “fucking insipid stories about stupid shit that doesn’t matter and the repeated crushing of soda cans like he was trying to set a record for quickest time to break down all of your tooth enamel.”
Continued in the confession, Karkowski said that he picked up the roommate agreement and wrapped it around Chaz’s neck saying “We shall be respectful and communicate… We shall be respectful and communicate.” Chaz tried to tap out but, as Elijah was overcome by the combined smell of popcorn and stale soda, his rage made him numb to cries for help.
Next thing Karkowski knew, “Chaz was sprawled on the floor like Davinci’s drawing of the range of motion of man although, due to the fact that he was now a dead person, there was probably much less motion”.
The head of campus police said of the issue “I would have killed him too… I don’t think the district attorney will take the attacker to trial. It seems as if he acted in self-defense of his ability to get laid before the year ends.”
The day after Chaz’s very very timely passing, Elijah lost his virginity on Chaz’s old bed. A move of vengeance he would have done anyway had Chaz still been alive and taken up Elijah’s head space.
–Connor Rigney, Contributor