To the freshman girl who is definitely not a fashion major,
No. Let me say it again. No. No one thinks you’re cool because you took a pair of scissors and cut straight into your #new2osu shirt. No one thinks that because your #new2osu shirt has a homemade deep v-neck that suddenly you are the epitome of fashion. No one else would consider wearing their #new2osu shirt like that. I know you think that wearing your freshman shirt makes you look like a lame n00b, but I promise the only thing worse than openly wearing that shirt is attempting to make it cool.
I know that your hormones are going crazy because you simply can’t stand how much you miss your hometown boyfriend, but this is not the solution. He is off in another world, and there is absolutely no way to contact him. At this point, your best bet is to find the last of the remaining carrier pigeons to fly your message back home. Or, okay, dance with every guy at the club. Honestly, you’re lucky that there are clubs that let 18-year-olds in at all. Or maybe that’s very, very unlucky. I take it all back. Get out of that club, it’s only going to be bad for your health. Sure. You’re currently planning the inevitable breakup so you can claim you’re not cheating on him. Even though we all know you’re not going to officially break up until after Christmas. You might want to send the breakup note now. Pigeons are extremely ineffective messengers. Fine. If you insist. Cry yourself to sleep, and then claim it’s just the sound of the dorm’s bathroom next door. Odds are your roommate is also grateful for the excuse. On second thought, send her breakup message with yours. I’m sure pigeon post will be much cheaper if you split the cost. But don’t you ever- ever attempt to make #new2osu cool.
Sincerely,
Literally everyone
-Hannah Wagner, Contributor