It’s Saturday night, the “#Nerd2OSU” club has finished their weekly meeting. On the agenda was the club’s favorite board game- Pandemic. Deflated after their 24-hour game marathon and subsequent poor performance, they decide to go get some of the best pizza on campus, from Traditions at Morrill. Coincidentally, it’s the only pizza they’ve had during their five weeks at OSU. Despite the trip, they decided the tasty, tasty pizza would be worthwhile. As they emerge from the basement of Baker West, it’s dark and there’s an electricity in the air. They notice a figure in red, staggering past Mirror Lake. Suddenly, it rips off its shirt and leaps into the murky water.
“What’s wrong with him? Is he, like, sick?” asks iCarly as she backs away from the deranged man. Noah the pre-med, with 5 weeks of biology under his belt, springs into action.
“I can help them! I did a unit on infectious diseases!” he says, bolting to the edge of the lake. The man resurfaces with a whoop. As he heads toward the edge, away from Noah, 30 more figures feverishly sprint toward the lake, disrobing as they go. They plunge into the water and Noah backs away with wide eyes. But it’s too late. He too is shoved into the lake.
Petrified, President Martha screams, “Leave him to his own devices. It is the time now to move forward. Each of you need to maintain your personal safety.”
“Follow me, I have a Car2Go!” says Keith, a student who has a Car2Go.
The group of remaining friends make their individual way to the Car2Go on Neil.
Reaching the car, iCarly gasps, “What the fricking heck is happening, like omg scared emoji?”
“I know. This Car2Go is waaay too small for all of us to fit,” says Keith, the student with the Car2Go, “but I love it for all of its imperfections.”
Grumbling and confused, the 3 pile into the Car2Go. They try to head down Neil only to be stopped by a police officer.
“Sorry, kids. You gotta turn around. There’s no way we’re letting anybody back into that mess,” he says, pointing toward West campus. “God help us all….”
Following the officer’s instructions, President Martha suggests an alternate route through High Street.
“Does anyone else think it’s like super weird that we can’t go toward West Campus?” iCarly asks from behind the Car2Go seats.
“That evident observation is anything but comforting. Drive faster Keith,” says President Martha, “I’m in a state of hunger and Noah’s dead.”
“I am driving this Car2Go as fast as I can Martha!”
“The proper title to address me is President Martha. Is that clear?”
As they turn onto High, the horrors that awaited them took their breath away.
“OMG. Why is that person jumping off of the roof!?” iCarly shrieked. She was right; people were on the roofs of the buildings and some of the figures were losing their balance and falling off.
“Keith, direct your attention!” President Martha cries, pointing. “That man is emptying his stomach onto the street!”
“I can’t see where it’s safe to drive, there are too many people in the street, they better not scratch my Car2Go!” Keith, the student with a Car2Go, retorts.
“Seriously Keith, it’s not like this is AcTuAlLy your Car2Go!” iCarly disciplines.
“You take that back about my Car2Go,” says Keith, stroking the wheel of his Car2Go.
“Fellow members, we really need to evacuate the premises immediately. I don’t know what is happening but it’s not safe here,” President Martha points out.
“I agree! I’m super freaked out af,” iCarly whimpers. “We should still go get pizza though, tbh…”
They make their way through the throngs of stumbling people and damaged and burning property, noticing a disturbing lack of M’s.
“Guys. Fires, vomit, a destruction of grammatical properties. There is only one explanation; It is quite literally the end of the world,” President Martha hypothesizes.
As they near the towers, they see a colosseum shaped building looming in the distance.
“Is that like, the Shoe?” asked Keith
“Shoes are for feet, Keith,” retorts President Martha.
Their movement slows to a crawl due to the chaos and traffic surrounding them. Anxious about the end times and nearing a state of extreme hangriness, iCarly and President Martha are becoming desperate for that delicious Morrill pizza.
“This is utterly hopeless. We will never reach our pizza in a reasonable time frame. We must depart on foot and leave the Car2Go,” declares President Martha, and iCarly nods in agreement.
A stubborn and definite “NO” slips out of Keith’s mouth as his friends slink out of his Car2Go and it is swallowed by the crowd. iCarly and President Martha lose sight of their friend and his beloved Car2Go. Ducking and shoving they run through the now red, blue, grey, and yellow crowd towards their goal.
“Martha, this is bad, everyone is shoving and there are people in street fights!” iCarly whines.
“It’s President Martha, and I know.” President Martha snaps.
There’s a strong stench of alcohol, cheese, and sweat as they push through the crowd. They manage to cling to each other and push on to Morrill. As they reach the door, they find it locked.
“Oh. My. Gosh. It’s closed!!!! I literally cannot!” iCarly cries, as she withers away into
nothingness.
Determined, President Martha walks back into the madness to face the end times and her hunger. She begins to think back on her fallen friends as she hears a passing voice say,
“What a game! I can’t believe we beat Michigan AGAIN!”
–New Members: Eli Gardner, Ashely Helal, Brian Hribar, Morgan Schultz, and Hannah Wagner