WASHINGTON D.C—After a long, protracted investigation, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is ready to conclude that the rash of attacks and threats by clowns is just an extremely convoluted advertisement for the cinematic remake of Stephen King’s 1986 novel It, set to be released Fall 2017. The movie, starring Bill Skarsgard as Pennywise the Clown, began their face-painted assault on the American public starting in August 2016, when a clown was reported to have chased a Columbus, Ohio man down his street.
FBI Director James Comey said of the issue, “we are lucky to have found this out as soon as we did, to assuage any of the fears that people may have going forward.” The FBI has declined to press charges against the film’s advertising team stating, “well, in this day and age, how else are you going to get the message out?”
Many people are still worried about their safety from the squeaky-nosed attackers. A recent poll ranked clowns second among America’s feared circus attractions, right ahead of someone misfired out of a cannon and behind a rampaging elephant. Despite this, Barnum & Bailey has been reporting record ticket sales the last few months, telling Sundial reporters that, “we’ve sold so many tickets to our shows these last few months. But the strangest thing is whenever we go through people’s bags, we are confiscating dozens of firearms, knives, brass knuckles, crossbows, pepper sprays, clubs, poison darts, maces, and medieval jousting lances… People just don’t feel like they’ll be safe around clowns anymore.”
The IT media team released a statement hoping to quell fear, saying, “we are going to stop the faux attacks by clowns. All we’re going to have them do is stand outside your bedroom windows late at night with a knife and a smile.” Moviegoers and thrill seekers alike are ecstatic with this revelation, hoping that they will be the next person chosen to take part in this spooky advertising scheme.
–Connor Rigney, Staff Member