UberEATS, a new service that allows Uber customers to get food delivered to their homes, has been a runaway success, especially for people who can’t get off their couch because their legs are asleep or who panic when ordering delivery on the phone and accidentally end the conversation with “I love you.” To capitalize on its recent success, Uber is now offering several new services so that you’ll never have to leave your bean bag chair again.
UberSHOPS
Instead of wasting the energy going to the store yourself, let an UberSHOPS driver do it! Text an UberSHOPS driver your shopping list and your budget, then let them figure out the rest. If you are looking for new clothes, text your UberSHOPS driver one adjective that best describes your aesthetic and let them make their best guesses as to what you’ll like. But don’t be mad when they come back with tube tops and corduroy vests after you texted them the adjective “put-together.” This isn’t really their area of expertise (their area of expertise is usually something super weird like cup stacking or writing How It’s Made fan fiction).
UberDELIVERS
Contrary to popular belief, UberDELIVERS is not a service that delivers packages. UberDELIVERS will help deliver a baby of your choosing, given that the baby is named after the Uber driver that delivers it. Are you having contractions but aren’t feeling like making the trek to the hospital? Stay put and let an Uber driver frantically Google “What part is the placenta?” and cut the cord with the keys to his 1992 Honda Civic while you finish watching Stranger Things.
UberSPIES
Wondering what that person you went out with last month who unmatched you on Tinder is up to? Are all of their accounts private? Are you too comfortable in the exact position you are in right now to bother stalking them in person? Have an Uber driver trail them for a full day and text you pictures of their activities every hour. You can even send your spy up to 3 messages for phrases you would like them to yell at the target from a distance! Popular suggestions include, “TOBY HAS AN STD!” if the person is named Toby and is on a date with another person, or “IMMA COME MUG YOU” if you’d like a more general verbal threat.
UberNETWORKS
Do you have work event coming up, but the thought of engaging in small talk about the new roundabout outside the office makes you want to set yourself on fire? Let an Uber driver attend the event for you! Our drivers are experts in small talk, with experience asking everything from, “So how has your night been? Do you want the radio on?” to “Um…so like, are you from around here? Or are we not going to your house? Where is your house?” Let them carry on the conversation and further your career while you stay home and passively scroll through your Facebook page to see how many people wished you a happy birthday last year.
UberREACHES
You just got a text, but your phone is plugged into an outlet on the other side of the room and you can’t reach it. You could ignore it, but what if it’s Toby from Tinder? What if he knows that you sent that UberSPIES driver to yell things at him? Use the laptop that’s currently resting on your chest to order an UberREACHES driver, give him your garage code so he can get into your house, and let him go pick up the phone for you. Make sure to let him know if you want anything else moved closer to you before he goes, otherwise you will have to pay for the service again, and rates tend to go up during the laziest hours of the week (Sunday afternoons and military holidays).
UberPUNCHES
In this service, an Uber driver will keep going to the same shop every day and buying whatever item you need them to in order to fill up your punch card. Then, they’ll let you have the free one that comes at the end. This is not to be confused with UberSLAPS (the unsuccessful pilot program in which an Uber driver will slap a person of your choosing) that was shut down due to several frivolous assault lawsuits.
UberEXTERMINATES
There’s a centipede in your house, but you can’t kill it without taking a full hour to psych yourself up. Call an UberEXTERMINATES driver to come squish it for you. Then, just to make sure it’s dead, the driver will take the tissue he just killed it in and run it over with his car. After this, he will send you a confirmation text with the words, “It is done.”
UberGAMBLES
Pay an UberGAMBLES driver any sum above $50 and let them see if they can successfully gamble their way to a larger sum. UberGAMBLES drivers will take a 10% cut of any wins, and will compensate for any losses by letting you steal 3 things from their car and telling you one secret that they promised they’d never tell!
UberVALIDATES
This service has nothing to do with parking validation. Rather, an UberVALIDATES driver will drive to your house and assure you that you are totally justified in the amount of money you’ve spent on all these Uber services. All UberVALIDATES drivers have kind eyes and at least one dimple (excluding a chin dimple) that will set your worries at ease and make you feel rational about the $1200 you’ve spent on Uber this month. They will even read that play you’ve been working on from home and say nice things like, “I felt like I knew the characters” and “I’m sure the community center will stage it once they really grasp the theme.”