Let’s talk for a little bit about stupid movies. Not just about any stupid movie. But THE stupidest, most idiotic movie of all time. And maybe it’s because you read the title of this piece or because you just inherently know, but of course, the worst movie ever. And I mean ever. The worst, piece of garbage shit stain ever to abuse the eyes of the world is the 1997 dumpster fire Air Bud.
I know who you might be and what your opinions about this craptastic movie might be. You may think, “wow how could he hate Air Bud it was such an iconic part of my childhood” or, “it was such a cultural staple of the nineties” or, “damn, aren’t you a college student? You should be doing homework or having sex or something better with your time than using the university humor magazine to bitch about a movie that come out almost two decades ago.” I give a firm “fuck you” to all of that. Air Bud is stupid and so was your childhood.
Okay, now, why do I hate Air Bud so much? So many reasons.
First, that fuckin dog plays for a school basketball team. Like an actual school. A school in a school district that has rules. Rules that may or may not include “ONLY HUMANS CAN PLAY OUR COMPETITIVE SPORTS.” Well, I mean, they probably don’t have that rule because WHY IN THE NAME OF ANTHROPOMORPHIZED ANIMALS WOULD THEY? Generally you don’t need to specify in the rules for a competitive sports league that only humans can play. God dammit.
Along those same lines, schools have tryouts. So somewhere in that school, there is a kid who didn’t make that team because some Golden Retriever somehow finagled his tail-wagging dumbass on. And you never hear from that kid. He’s probably a fine ball player. But now he’s known as “that jackass who lost to a dog.”
AND THEN! There’s a kid on that team who is second string. There is a kid on that team who exists as a back up to a fucking dog. So that kid only gets play time should that animal get tired. What the hell? And that kid’s parents never complain? Using the very good argument that “uh… we’re paying a participation fee to be on this team why is our kid a back up to some son of a bitch?”
But maybe the real villain is the other teams’ coaches. They never. Ever. EVER. cause a fuss about their players having to try and defend against a dumbshit dog.
And that brings up a very good point: How DO you defend against a dog? Do you set a pick? No, that dog will just run the fuck right through your legs. And if you try and grab the dog that’s a foul. Hell, maybe the dog wants to play dirty and takes a bite out of your calf. He gets a technical but you’re out for the season with an Achilles Tendon injury.
Speaking of medicine, in most districts you need to get a physical before you can play a school sport. A physical by probably a human doctor. I can only imagine taking a dog into a pediatrician’s office, the doctor takes one look at the poor beast, slapping his hand on its back like a used car salesman on the hood of some 2002 Ford Focus and saying “yep this is definitely a dog.”
Onto gameplay, because this is where it gets really contentious.
- A dog cannot dribble. You need to dribble in order to move the ball.
- A dog’s brain does not have the capacity to know how to run complex basketball plays.
- No dog has the hops to make a jump shot.
If the uniform is jersey and shorts, why does the dog not have to wear dog shorts? And when they ordered the jersey, how did they do that? Like, “ya he’s about a dog medium.” No. No they fucking didn’t
I just want all of these grievances here to be a warning for those of you who like this fucking garbage. It is bad. You cannot be one of those people who can look at Air Bud and not hate it on some fundamental level. Your judgement is compromised if you do that. You’ll have to look at your life and say, “wow, if I think this movie is good… I must be living my life terribly…” Honestly, I’m sorry for yelling at you (honestly I’m fucking not but people are telling me not to be so overwhelmed with Air Bud), and if you take away one thing, take away this: Air Bud is not the cultural staple you think it is. It is a fucking embarrassment.