Dear Amy,
There’s this guy in my Spanish class that I just can’t stop thinking about. I can’t concentrate on vocabulary or verb tense when he’s just sitting there looking like love. How can I get him to ask me on a date? As they say in Spanish class:
Adidas and Gracias,
Lost in the Love Languages
Dear “Lost in the Love Languages”
This is a humor magazine not an Ask Amy column. I understand that it can be easy to confuse a satirical and witty publication with your run of the mill advice column, but we are basically polar opposites. However, the Sundial appreciates that someone is finally engaging with our content, so we’ll answer your question. Just this once.
The best way to achieve your dream of getting the guy is by pulling a full transformation. Do you have glasses? Burn them. Even if you can’t see the board you will be able to see his love start to bloom. Have you ever worn a ponytail? Shave it off. You may never wear that dreaded thing again. Have you even watched the hyper realistic love documentary She’s All That or A Cinderella Story or Mean Girls or The Princess Diaries or Grease or Clueless? Good. Life works just like that.
Secondly, evaluate both of your social statues. If he’s a geek, then you need to put on some makeup, win the homecoming crown, and become popular. If he’s a bad boy, then you need to study on Saturdays, get up on time for your 8am class, and be a goodie two shoes. If he’s popular then you need to take out your leather, get yourself a cigarette, and become bad to the bone. There are no great love stories about people with commonalities. All love comes from a place of total dissidence.
Finally, screw gender norms and ask the boy out. It’s going to be okay.
Best Wishes,
An anonymous Sundial member whose name definitely won’t be in the byline
-Hannah Wagner, Staff Member