THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY, COLUMBUS, OHIO—”I just hate how when it gets further and further into the fall, the weather starts getting colder and colder,” Ohio State University out of state student Taylor Stokes reportedly said to friends this past Thursday as she bundled herself up in yet another trendy scarf. “Back in Arizona, we had breezes, ya, but that was mostly pushing warm air. Cold air is such a crazy new thing. It’s almost as if Ohio is in a temperate zone.”
The temperature has been a big problem for out of state students, like California resident Brent Gutkowski, who upon entering his 8 am class this past Monday, said to this reporter, “man, every time I leave my dorm, it is the coldest weather I have ever been in.” The overall ratio of people who complain about the cold to people who are actually dressed for it has been going down though, with only 60% of out of state students making an overly ridiculous big deal about the cold breeze that sweeps through campus.
Experts at the OSU Department for Making Sure that Out of Staters Wear, Like, Warm Stuff have been contributing to this decrease by providing subsidized Pumpkin Spice Lattes to those from the country’s warmer climates. From when they first drink the latte, the OSUDMSOSWLWS has several factors to look out for in out of state students to make sure they are adjusting well to the cold, taken from their official spokesperson:
“First, what they say must be monitored. If at any point they say, ‘wow the colors are so pretty,’ they are acclimatized. ‘I just want to sit by a bonfire and roast marshmallows and chat all night’ is another indicator. Then their social media must be monitored. At some point they will post a sunset photo of the trees on the North Oval with Thompson Library. Third, and this may be the most crucial sign, at some point an out of state student will wear flannel, jeans, boots, and a jacket they call a ‘North Face’ and say, ‘man I just love fall fashion.’”
But there is the horror of those students who do not adapt to the weather. The OSUDMSOSWLWS has reported “hundreds of out of state students screaming at the cloud-covered sky wanting desperately that the sun come out.” Students who do not like pumpkin spice must go and buy a heat lamp to try and counteract the sunlight loss that they are going to experience. All in all, the University recommends that you just bite the bullet and drink one tall glass of apple cider and wear one trendy flannel a week.
As for Ms. Stokes and Mr. Gutkowski, after they began to show symptoms of fall acclimatization they were reportedly asking all of their friends to go through a corn maze and pick pumpkins.