What the Eight Candles of a Menorah Actually Stand for:
Candle 1: The number of testicles that Moses had.
Candle 2: The two humps of a camel, because you know, humps.
Candle 3: The three day journey the Jews took to escape from Pharaoh and arrive at the nearest Starbucks for the Low-Fat, Decaf, Extra Whip Peppermint Mochas.
Candle 4: The four shots of vodka that every Jewish mother takes on each night of Hanukah. Cheryl has a lot to deal with, ok guys. Matzah balls are difficult to make.
Candle 5: The number of minutes it takes every night of Hanukkah to actually celebrate. The prayer takes like 30 seconds max, lighting the candles takes like, what? 42 seconds? The rest of the time is trying to cut through the heavy plastic surrounding your new Hot Wheels or Barbie. Hey 2006, you’ve been missed.
Candle 6: The 6 pigeons that carried Jewish Jesus to safety after he got drunk and just went off at this guy in the bar. And Jesus was all like “you wanna go” and this other guy was all like “I could go all day” and then things just got heated, man.
Candle 7: The number of minutes it takes for your cheap-ass Hanukkah candles to burn out. Seriously, these little shits are such rip-offs. They’re super cute though OMG the good ones are ombré and they’re cool as shit. You can spot the trendy Jewish moms by the Hanukkah candles.
Candle 8: The number of crappily painted menorahs that your poor Jewish mother has from when you are your siblings went to Sunday School and you guys just like brought home weird menorahs every other week because what do you actually teach kids in Sunday School? Every prayer starts with “baruch atah adonai” you can pretty much just say that and bullshit the rest and literally no one will know.
Happy Hanukkah, friends. Please take some time out of your Christmas Eve festivities to realize that December 24 is also the first night of Hanukkah, as if our holiday wasn’t forgotten enough.
–Maddie Gottfried, Contributor