We all know that classic holiday jingle by Mariah Carey, you know, the one that gets you off your bitter ass and into the holiday spirit. This year, Carey will be releasing a new version of her classic “All I Want for Christmas is You,” but with a quick lyric change. So turn up your radios, which my dad told me is some sort of music playing device, and get ready for “All I Want for Christmas is My Career Back.”
Carey’s publicist commented on the news of the song breaking, commenting that “this song has been in the works for quite some time now, pretty much since the release of her last album. Even though we only changed one word in the lyrics, it’s taken the whole team two years to put this one together, mostly because we didn’t have the money since her career went down the toilet. I haven’t been paid in years, I had to sell my two sons just to keep my house. I only got $50,000 for the two of them. I can’t stress how badly we need this song to work.”
While her publicist assumed the fetal position in the corner of the room, I listened to the new song. What really surprised me is that the backtrack to the new song is the sound of Carey crying ever so slightly off-key. It really takes me back to my childhood and hearing my parents cry slightly off-key around the Christmas tree each year. This listener gives the new song a 10 out of 10.
The song is said to be released the day after Christmas, “for the irony of it” said the publicist. When asked if he thought that was the smartest idea he said, “it’s what Mariah wants, and the last guy to deny her request is currently being forced to cut M&M’s in half, as Carey is trying to cut her sugar back by 50%.”
So, my holiday music fans, I suggest adding this new single to your Christmas list, and make sure to be nice this year, so that Santa doesn’t make your career as tragic as Carey’s, as this reporter heard he’s running low on coal this year, and “thinks the whole coal thing is just overdone.”
–Maddie Gottfried, Contributor