See below minutes to The Sundial meeting, happening later tonight (Monday Sep. 9th) at 9:00 PM in The Student Alumni Council Room of The Ohio Union.
Official Minutes
9:00 PM – Editor-In-Chief Collin Gossel calls the meeting to order. He is greeted with thunderous applause; several women swoon from excitement. Collin waves his arms for quiet, but is instead lifted up onto the shoulders of the cheering staff and carried into the courtyard. A crowd continues to form around this beautiful man as Vice-President Joe Biden emerges from the crowd and awards him a pre-thumous medal of honor. His weeping mother looking on, Gossel receives the award with pride as white doves are released into the night.
9:25 – Doves, unable to fly in the night, attempt to enter the union through transparent windows, breaking their own necks.
9:30 – Returning to the Student Alumni Council Room, Collin Gossel welcomes former Editor-In-Chief, Beyonce, to give a special reading of a comedic poem she wrote last week.
9:40 – The Sundial staff engages in a 10-minutes-dance-party, featuring a Spice Girls reunion.
9:45 – A young, lonely writer experiences dirty dancing for the first time.
9:46 – The young, lonely writer opens his mouth, says something, and ruins it.
9:50 – Sweaty and exhausted, the Sundial staff turns the A/C on high while being served a buffet of Cannes Chicken. Beyonce receives massages from all the heterosexual men/homosexual women. In accordance with Title IX, Ryan Gosling arrives and all interested apply moon-tan lotion to every inch of his body.
10:00 – Editor-In-Chief Gossel recalls meeting to order, begins reviewing constitutional policy and editing procedure.
10:02 – Brutus Buckeye arrives, carrying Former President E. Gorden Gee on his shoulders. Gee exclaims “Let’s party, good fellows!” and the music immediately starts back up: The Spice Girls start single-lady-dancing on a table, while Ryan Gosling gyrates his hips in such a way that cannot be ignored. Vice-President Joe Biden runs in wearing a gorilla suit, exclaiming “Socialism for everybody!” while throwing bananas at dancing college students. The ghost of James Thurber appears above the party and acts as a smoke machine for the mosh-pitting Staff.
10:15 – The young, lonely writer attempts to recreate the moment from earlier.
10:16 – The young, lonely writer makes a fool of himself and inspires jokes from all attractive women in the room.
10:25 – Dan Riemen, Sundial Staffer, in a fit of epic-thrash-dancing, accidentally destroys Dr. Dre’s DJ equipment. Every single piece of it.
10:30 – In lieu of the destruction, E.I.C. Gossel makes a motion to end the meeting, He is greeted with thunderous applause; several women swoon from excitement. Collin waves his arms for quiet, but is instead lifted up onto the shoulders of the cheering staff and carried into the courtyard. A crowd continues to form around this beautiful man as Vice-President Joe Biden emerges from the crowd, still wearing his gorilla costume, and awards him yet another pre-thumous medal of honor. His weeping mother looking on, Gossel receives the award with pride as white doves are released into the night. All go home caked in sweat and memories.
10:35 – Union staff observes wreckage, wishes they could have been there.
10:40 – The young, lonely writer begins looking back on his failed attempts at romance with a regret that will follow him for the rest of his life.
–Collin Gossel, Editor-In-Chief