[This article was originally intended for Cosmopolitan. The Sundial works too, I guess.]
Men rarely say what they mean and mean what they say on dates. From statements like “I went to Rutgers University” to “I had a beard once”, the paternal sex manages to confuse whoever they go out with. I’m no exception. However, I’ve decided to unravel my atrocious choice of words so that everyone can better understand what I, and men everywhere, mean. Here are a few examples from previous dates I’ve been on.
- What I Said: “Hi, I’m Tony.”
What I Meant to Say: “The emergency exits are located to the left of our table and to the right of the bar.”
Talk about a bad first impression! In this situation, I was greeting my date, who arrived after I’d sat down at our table. As we all know, letting the person who got to the date second know where the emergency exits are is a top priority. Typical of me, however, I put the shameless promotion of my name above the safety of my date. Quite an obvious mistake, I know. My date understood that as well. They passed by the table, pretending not to hear me, which is also a proper date protocol when your date is clearly a total jerkass. Fair enough.
- What I Said: “I like the way you’re dressed tonight.”
What I Meant to Say: “I like the way you’re dressed, but your hair could use some touching up.”
Jeez. I don’t mean to put on an air of stupidity, but sometimes it just seems that way. When you make a wholly positive comment towards your date without any mention of something negative, you fail to capture reality. Your date doesn’t want to hear about how their “eyes are gorgeous” or their “forehead is radiant sunshine”. That’s ridiculous. What they’d much rather hear are statements like “Your nose looks tolerable today” or “I know you got that watch from your dead aunt, but it just looks so gaudy!”. Your date wants to hear the truth, and they deserve it.
- What I Said: “I work as a tax attorney.”
What I Meant to Say: “I don’t talk about careers until the fifth date.”
I jumped the gun a little on this one. First off, my date didn’t ask me about my job, I blurted this response out in the middle of ordering food. If they had asked me, however, I would have respectfully declined. I don’t feel shame in admitting my failure, though. I see it as a teaching experience. Always make sure to stick to your Date Topic Agenda for the specific date you’re on. Even if you think a Fourth Date Topic can be broached on the Third Date, don’t risk it. If you start talking about your place of work, you’re clearly implying that your date is soulmate material. I had to apologize profusely to my date and tell her I was not interested in marrying her, at least not yet. I could see the disappointment laid out on her face. Not good.
- What I Said: What do you like to do in your free time?
What I Meant to Say: W-w-what do you… like t-to do?
What a mess. In this conversation, I managed to talk without fumbling over my words. Since I spoke with such grace and confidence, I didn’t reflect who I was. My date could instantly tell. They kept waving their hand over their nose, as if to push away the metaphorical stink that came from my abhorrent lie. I compensated by saying nothing for the rest of the date, though, and got a second date because of it! There’s a lesson to be learned from this: you can make up for a bad first impression if you try really hard. Unfortunately, I made eye contact on the fourth date, which just ruined everything.
- What I Said: “You’ve got some food on your cheek.”
What I Meant to Say: “You’ve got some food on your chin.”
Rookie mistake. While I know that I failed to pronounce ‘chin’ correctly, my date might think otherwise. In fact, she could start assuming that I’m a compulsive liar. Unfortunately, when assumptions arise, they’re often impossible to get rid of. After my date caught what she thought was my lie, I immediately told her my Social Security number. This subtle ploy was not to get my date to think that I told the truth more often not. Rather, I let use her my Social Security number as leverage against me if I ever start lying again. Just remember to always compromise in relationships.
- What I Said: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
What I Meant To Say: “’Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get’ (Zemeckis, 1994).”
This blunder should have shown itself clearly to me, but I actually didn’t find out until it was too late. By failing to cite my sources in conversation properly, my date could mistakenly think that the movie quote, was in fact, my original idea. When my date was typing up our Date Transcript into a plagiarism checker, she found that that quote was actually from the beloved movie starring Tom Hanks. What was once a B- on my Date Report Card instantly turned into an F. Follow from my example, friends: Cite your sources or kiss your chances at a second date goodbye.
- What I Said: “I had a great time tonight.”
What I Meant to Say: “How did tonight go for you?”
I know, I know, I was layin’ it on a little thick by directly stating my opinion. I blame it on the tonic water I drank a couple days ago. But that’s beside the point. Because I explicitly talked about myself without any request from my date, I assumed they wanted to hear what I had to say. And you know what they say about assumptions: they make asses. Eck.
Even if my date was interested in me before, they weren’t after that blatantly rude remark. What was originally a solid date turned into a heated interrogation about my apparent narcissism and lack of empathy towards the human race. Fortunately, that shameful experience helped me realize how much of a jerk I truly am. There really are silver linings, after all!
–Graham Bartels, Contributor