Do you want to memorize the alphabet and learn a little more about the mysterious Sundial staff member RG “Archie” Barton? Use this A-Z guide to accomplish both of these goals!
A is for Archie: No one is quite sure whether his real name is Archie or RG.
B is for Backpack: Archie’s backpack uses “bigger-on-the-inside” technology that inspired the hit television series Doctor Who. He has been known to keep unknowably large quantities of bananas in his bag.
C is for Colony Collapse: Because of colony collapse disorder, bees are dying at an unprecedented rate.
D is for Duck-Sized Horse: Nine out of ten people would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses than fight one Archie sized Archie.
E is for Existentialism: No one really knows what existentialism means, but we assume it has something to do with the state of being Archie Barton.
F is for Flannel: Archie is rarely seen without his trademark flannel, which is actually woven from a bulletproof fabric that he invented.
G is for Garden Gnome: Archie keeps an army of sentient garden gnomes in his basement, and uses them as foot soldiers for most of his conquests.
H is for Harmonica: Archie is rarely seen without his trusty harmonica. Historians have suggested that the pied piper legend was inspired by Archie using the harmonica to lead his garden gnomes into battle.
I is for Identity Theft: Archie has a collection of over twenty stolen BuckIDs which he uses to purchase more bananas for his backpack.
J is for Jerry Seinfeld: Archie was notably the creative force behind Jerry Seinfeld’s animated classic The Bee Movie, but let Seinfeld take the credit because he looked like he needed it.
K is for Korn: Archie fronted the popular nu-metal band Korn in 1994 in order to give lead singer Jonathan Davis a much needed break. Archie’s impression of Davis was so spot on that even the most devoted Korn fans couldn’t tell that the front man had been replaced.
L is for Laws of Aviation: According to these, there should be no way a bee is able to fly.
M is for Mitochondria: The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. This is one of three universal facts defined by Archie, the other two being that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin, and that manhole covers are circular so they do not fall in.
N is for Nocturne op. 9 No 2. By Frédéric Chopin: Obviously…
O is for Ohio: Archie spends most of his downtime in this unassuming Midwestern state.
P is for Punching: Despite what you may think, punching people is rude and not funny. If you punch people, Archie will likely summon a ghost to punch you back.
Q is for Qui-Gon Jinn: Archie was the inspiration for the character Qui-Gon Jinn from Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace. The character shared many of Archie’s notable traits, such as his endless supply of bananas and confusing name.
R is for RG: It is unclear whether RG is his real name, or what RG even stands for. Some linguists have theorized that the letters do not stand for anything, but that the letters R and G actually derive from Archie’s initials.
S is for Shakespeare: Archie is among the world’s most respected Shakespeare scholars, known for his hilarious impression of Caliban from The Tempest.
T is for Taunton: The scene in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back is based on a real event, where Archie cut open a beached whale to provide Harrison Ford and Mark Hamill with privacy from the paparazzi.
U is for Uma Thurman: This actress has nothing to do with Archie, but Archie has little use for the letter ‘U’.
V is for Valhalla: This Asgardian kingdom is suspected to be the birthplace of Archie.
W is for Wilma Fingerdoo: Another alias used by Archie.
X is for Xanadu II: Electric Boogaloo: Archie directed this sequel to the 1980 fantasy musical Xanadu to great acclaim, winning seven Academy Awards including best documentary.
Y is for Youth: Due to his drinking from the Fountain of Youth, Archie has remained in the body of a young man for five hundred years.
Z is for Zapruder Film: Archie was responsible for this famous recording of the Kennedy Assassination, accidentally filming it during a school project.
-Eli Gardner, Contributor