I’m Gary Busey. If anybody knows what Gary Busey is really thinking, it’s me. Gary knows nobody asked, and nobody cares, but these keep Gary up at night.

1. Gary doesn’t want to play the Joker. Gary Busey has nightmares about being the Joker. Then Gary Busey chases himself through the haunted amusement park.

 

2. Caffeine. Sometimes Gary Busey drinks Diet Rite too late at night and can’t fall asleep.

 

3. Gary’s own reflection. Gary Busey covered Gary Busey’s bedroom entirely in ceiling to floor length mirrors. Too many eyes watching Gary Busey make Gary Busey uncomfortable.

 

4. Gary’s teeth. Garys Busey thinks his teeth should be the size of dimes. Currently they are too large and people get trapped in there. Gary Busey’s pretty sure there’s pocket change and the television remote in the gaps.

 

5. The one octopus at the aquarium that looked at Gary Busey funny. Gary Busey worries that the one octopus at the aquarium that looked at Gary Busey funny might stab him with the fake coral. They can squeeze into the tiniest cracks and get into Gary Busey’s bedroom at night. Then Gary Busey watches from every angle as an octopus swallows Gary Busey’s entire body.

6. Disappearing ink. Gary Busey understands the laws of thermodynamics. Gary thinks mass should be conserved. When the ink disappears, it has to go somewhere. Tell Gary your secrets, ink. Gary Busey wishes to vanish and bring secrets to the Æther.

 

7. Hair. Gary Busey loves the feel of smooth skin. Sometimes The machinations of hair follicles confound Gary and he will toss and turn at night trying to unlock their mysteries.

 

8. Toasters. Gary Busey watches bread go in and toast come out. Toasters dry out bread. When Gary Busey electrocuted himself when Gary Busey was little by sticking a butter knife in the toaster. Gary hasn’t been able to look toasters in their bread hole since.

 

9. Automatic Transmissions. Gary Busey knows cars are sentient, and no one is telling us. How do else would cars know when to change gears by themselves. Gary Busey is afraid that the car in the garage resents Gary Busey for stealing an octopus from the octopi habitat and eating them raw over the car’s transmission. Now that octopus’ friend is mad at Gary too.

 

10. Gary Busey’s own consciousness. How does Gary Busey have these thoughts? Does Gary Busey know that Gary is alive? Why does Gary Busey think? Gary Busey is confused that when Gary Busey thinks to move Gary Busey’s hand, the hand moves. How is this possible? How does Gary Busey come to know and understand the world around Gary Busey, and then remember these things? Gary Busey is very, very frightened.

 
—Adam Hribar, Senior Staff Member, Gary Busey Whisperer, Horse Whisperer