GROVE CITY—Scratching his head with no regard for how anyone besides cartoons signifies that he is confused, local tax attorney Bill Summers has decided to pack up and leave this plane of existence to one where his “complete and utter ambivalence towards everything going on in this world is appreciated.”
“I decided to become a transdimensional being somewhere around the time that my favorite actor and personal role model Gene Wilder passed, God rest him,” Summers said as he fed his cat, Cecilia, and made the final touches on his interdimensional craft. “I started to lose belief that there was any rhyme or reason to literally anything that happened in this world and that we were all some part of some unfeeling God’s sick, perverted joke, all doomed to die cold, sad, and alone, just like we were born. Maybe once I get over to the state of confusion, people will be like me… I don’t want to have to move again to the state of dread or something like that.” At press time, Summers was stepping through his wormhole as floating question marks and people scratching their chins flew through the ether.