Stav, a fourth-year History and Modern Greek major, is running for USG president. She promises change, humor, and free kittens (and absolutely nothing else) to the students of the Ohio State University. The sundial exclusively interviewed her this week! For more info, check out Stav’s campaign twitter account at @stav4usg.
SUNNY: Thanks for talking with us today. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
STAV: Yes. My name is Stav, and I’m a Fourth year. I’m running for president of USG again this year, after my somewhat successful run last year.
SUNNY: Why are you running for USG president?
STAV: I’m doing this for attention, thanks.
SUNNY: [I] Appreciate the honesty, could you briefly describe your platform to us?
STAV: As for my general political views: Cats and feminism are good, boys have cooties and therefore are bad.
As for USG, let me tell you a few important policy points I have planned out and ready to go. First of all, bring back KComm’s all day breakfast, every day. What is this part time pasta station nonsense? Also, as for pasta….why on earth do they not make your pasta ready to order at Marketplace anymore????* I’ll have you know I was more than willing to wait twenty minutes for them to make me an edible meal! If I’m elected president, the buck stops here.**
Some other ideas I’ve been bouncing around are the following:
- Replace Curl Market with just a larger version of the former Burritos, nobody likes Curl Market anyways.
- Use all of USG funding to build an amusement park for squirrels.
- College recess.
Some other major policy points from last year (none of which were carried out by previous USG overlords Gerard Basalla or Danielle DiScala, may I remind you.) I created are back by popular demand. These include the following.
- College jail. If you talk too loudly on the fourth floor on the SEL, play devil’s advocate more than 3 times in the span of 24 hours, or brag about your AP credits, you’ll get sent to college jail indefinitely (pro-tip: college jail is just Morrill commons, you don’t want this).
- Free kittens. Kittens need homes and students need kittens. This one should be a no-brainer, sheesh
- Turn the CABS bus into pirate ships. I know that this idea doesn’t logistically make sense and will probably cost more money than it should. But listen, I just really want pirate ships and it will be fun. Just let me have this one, okay?
- Replace Carmen with Bound 2 by Kanye West.
- Abolish gender forever. Gender isn’t real, losers. How many times do we have to go through this?????
SUNNY: Do you have a Vice President?
STAV: Just like last year, I am my own VP. Also, however, I do have a running mate, 3rd-year Political Science Major Elijah [Last name redacted due to the fact that Elijah [redacted] does not want to be associated with the campaign publicly]. Elijah [name redacted] has brought some fresh ideas to the campaign, such as the idea that everyone should be allowed to have a bear. We need to be prepared for the possibility of people training bears to attack campus. After all, the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bear is a good guy with a bear, and that’s a fact!
Submitted photo of Stav, 21, Candidate for USG president who also a beautiful cartoon princess
SUNNY: Hold on a second, you just said you were a fourth-year, didn’t you? Aren’t you ineligible to win according to USG by-laws?
STAV: I find this question offensive, next.
SUNNY: Ummmm.. Okay. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
STAV: USG president.
SUNNY: Well, that’s some dedication right there. Finally, why should OSU students vote for you?
STAV: I don’t really wanna graduate, so vote for me so I have a good excuse to not graduate just yet. But this isn’t just about me, it’s also about the kittens. Do it for the kittens.
-Stav, Senior Staff Member
*For clarification, the station that used to serve breakfast all day, every day now only serves breakfast for breakfast and then some days, but the rest of the time it now serves pasta. Additionally, as opposed to cooking your meal in a saucepan when you order it at Marketplace, the pasta station is now more like the Union Market pasta station, where everything is already made.
**Stav is not actually this competent