Macaulay Culkin, child-star of the Home Alone movies, has lived a private life, and we have many questions that remain unanswered about him. What kind of cereal does he like? What time does he go to bed every night? When will he return my blouse? There isn’t very much verifiable information about Macauley Culkin, but that’s okay, because you are gullible, and you won’t question anything that we make up and publish about him. So here are 21 things you’ll probably believe about Macaulay Culkin.

  1. He’s really, really into crystals.
  2. He used to be a registered medical doctor, but he gave up practicing medicine to become an actor at the age of 47.
  3. He was a contestant on an episode of “Deal or No Deal”, but the episode never aired because he called Howie Mandel the n-word.
  4. He doesn’t believe in climate change or Santa despite overwhelming evidence otherwise.
  5. Before he was born, God considered allowing Satan to possess Culkin, but ultimately decided against it because his hot mom would feel bad about birthing the anti-Christ.
  6. He was best friends with President James K. Polk, and the famous scene of Culkin screaming in the bathroom in the first Home Alone movie was the exact moment when Culkin found out that Polk had died of cholera.
  7. He’s a solo male porn star who appears exclusively on PunishTube.com.
  8. He was once beaten up by the lead singer of Sugar Ray for calling him “Sugar Gay”.
  9. He is a recovering alcoholic, and he’s been sober since the first Home Alone movie was filmed.
  10. He has read the Bible 53 times, except for the Book of Luke, which he refers to as “more like the Book of Poop”.
  11. He single-handedly convinced Timothy McVeigh to not go through with the Oklahoma City Bombing.
  12. He attends a church where they sacrifice three goats per week. They’d like to sacrifice five goats per week, but there just aren’t enough goats available. Goats are expensive.
  13. He served on the jury for OJ Simpson, and although the other members of the jury originally believed that OJ was guilty, Culkin used the evidence presented in the case to methodically convince them of his innocence. His performance on that jury was later depicted in the 1956 courtroom drama 12 Angry Men.
  14. He had a Ruby Tuesday’s installed in his house so he could eat there every day without the risk of falling for any booby-traps that fans of the Home Alone movies set up for him.
  15. He’s never been pregnant except for that one time, which doesn’t really count if you think about it.
  16. He once walked in on Clint Eastwood making love to a couch, and despite being very good friends with Clint before the incident, the two haven’t spoken since.
  17. Although Kurt Cobain’s death was officially ruled as a suicide, Macaulay’s long discussion about the history of the Rubik’s Cube with him two hours beforehand definitely didn’t help.
  18. He founded a nonprofit organization that shows the movie Home Alone to underprivileged children who haven’t seen Home Alone.
  19. He started a Velvet Underground cover-band called “Pizza Underground”, and they gave out boxes of pizza to the audience at every live performance until they broke up in 2016.
  20. He had sex with your dad while you watched, and even though you cried, you also secretly liked it.
  21. He’s very active on LinkedIn.

-Alex Lacey, Contributor