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A Word From Our Sponsors

This piece is brought to you by the very idea of happiness. The very idea of happiness– eluding you since the beginning of 7th grade. This piece is brought to you by that large spider just above your left shoulder…. Continue Reading →

Ted Cruz Proven Not To Be Zodiac Killer, But Every Other Unidentified Serial Killer

Washington DC – In a shocking memo released by the FBI earlier this morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz was revealed to not be the Zodiac Killer, despite public belief and the overwhelming evidence of having the face that he has…. Continue Reading →

Students Raise $500,000 to Buy AirPods for the Homeless

The streets are alive with the sound of music as local student Kyle Addams gifted the homeless with the greatest way to discreetly listen to their favorite jams. “One time, I had to do volunteer hours for some stupid scholarship… Continue Reading →

Ask Amy: Friends and Foreign Forces

Dear Amy, Back in January 2019, and I couldn’t have been happier to welcome in a new year. Being back home for break was relaxing, but I couldn’t wait to get back to campus and reunite with my college friends…. Continue Reading →

Apartment Leveled In Bath Bomb Explosion

A Columbus apartment complex was destroyed late last night in an explosion set off by one of its four now-deceased residents. A witness in a neighboring building alerted authorities after hearing the explosion and discovering the apartment in ruins. The… Continue Reading →

SCANDAL: Trump Turns to the Supernatural in an Attempt to Bring Back Jobs

Our truth-seekers are always on the prowl for more government secrets, and they’ve recently turned up with an undercover audio recording that shows President Trump’s dealings with the supernatural. Below is a transcript of Trump admitting to shady actions: (Sarah… Continue Reading →

Quirky English Teacher Calls Shakespeare “Bill” Because Of Course He Does

COLUMBUS, OH-Every college student knows that taking a Literature GE course means one thing; being at the academic mercy of a 28-year-old white guy in Mona Lisa socks. In one of the deepest crevices of Denney Hall, this seemingly innocuous… Continue Reading →

Lost Word From Neil Armstrong’s Famous Moonwalk Revealed to be “Titties”

Technological advancement exposes titties In the year 1969, celebrated astronaut and beloved Ohioan Neil Armstrong emerged from Apollo 11 and took his first steps on the surface of the moon. It was at that moment when Armstrong uttered the words… Continue Reading →

Sophomore Solves Sexism by Just Calling Everyone “Dude”

This past week, our campus saw a massive cultural reform which was spearheaded by local student Austin Baker. “It all started when I realized I’ve been calling everybody ‘dude’ regardless of their actual gender,” he told us in an exclusive… Continue Reading →

9/11 Was An Outside Job

Dear Government, You think u can cover this up? 9/11 was clearly an outside job and the internet is a liar. Here is why I am correct and Geroge bush is my friend. Exhibit A: The Plane was outside the… Continue Reading →

Judas Sucks at Potlucks

I’m pretty sure I’m going to screw over my friend. It’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I dunno it just feels like something I would do? He’s a nice enough guy, and I guess we’re pretty tight… Continue Reading →

4 Climate Change Solutions That Will Melt Liberal Snowflakes

We all know that “climate change” is a hoax made up by liberals to ruin American industry. BUT, on the off chance that climate change is “real,” we’ve gotta save the earth. Because if the planet dies, industry dies too!… Continue Reading →

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