Every week I go into PNC to deposit checks and inquire about the status of the loan I requested to build a catapult that can hurl a turnip over seventy yards. The problem is that every week the bank teller… Continue Reading →
Do you not have bowls because you haven’t done dishes in a month? Are you terrified of spoons? Can you not have a regular, sit-down breakfast because your cat is psychotic and is trying to murder you? Cereal has been… Continue Reading →
Often times I have trouble teaching my kids about the pointless existence of life. I try to teach them that life is meaningless, bleak, and depressing, and that no matter how hard we try, we might be doomed to spend… Continue Reading →
Following the recent extra-terrestrial visitation that occurred on Monday, the 29th of February in Middleton, Ohio, humans from around the world have been trying to make contact with our extra-solar comrades. At last the question “are we alone in the… Continue Reading →
This new portion of the SAT is geared toward assessing students’ aptitudes and interests to match with potential careers. This assessment will provide a focused look at skills and interests not typically addressed by the math, reading, and writing portions… Continue Reading →
The Student Health Center recently did research into the consumption of coffee and students’ overall productivity. The resulting graph was quite interesting. There exists an optimal coffee consumption and drinking coffee beyond that is likely to cause a crash. Figure… Continue Reading →
Good Morning United States. My name is John Carlton and I stand before you today asking for your support. I believe I am best qualified to be the next president of the United States. The past two terms I’ve spent… Continue Reading →
Tom loved to hunt. It was the only thing in the world that brought him joy. As a child he looked forward to going on trips with his dad, drinking hot chocolate, and sitting out in the cold waiting for… Continue Reading →
The new Build-A-Bear Toy line has taken an interesting turn. Instead of displaying the traditional depiction of Superman, the new build-a-bear features a rare Kryptonian disease, Jorelianas Supermanis, or as it’s more commonly known on earth, Siegel’s Disease. The symbols… Continue Reading →
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