Category 2023-24

Spotted: Brutus and Ted Carter on Romantic Valentine’s Day Date at Mirror Lake

After recent footage surfaced to the Sundial of Ted Carter and beloved mascot Brutus Buckeye taking a romantic walk around Mirror Lake at night, complete with holding hands and french kissing underneath the lights, students have been curious to see… Continue Reading →

Man Who Was Freshly Dumped Takes Bold Stance Against Valentine’s Day

With Valentine’s Day today, many students all over campus have been bitten by the lovebug. However, it seems that some have hired an exterminator. Q Pid, a junior in the Psychology department, has recently taken a fierce oppositional stance to… Continue Reading →

Valentine’s Day: A Poetry Anthology

Scarlet is red, Michigan sucks, I have a fake, Join me at Bull’s? /// How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My hand can reach, when embracing… Continue Reading →

OPINION: The Media is Taking the Romance Too Far

I think the Superbowl is taking the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce thing too far. There. I said it. It’s not because I hate Taylor Swift, because I don’t. They could never make me hate her (except for the insane… Continue Reading →

OPINION: Become More Delusional about Your Classroom Crush

Valentine’s Day is upon us and so is the intense yearning and longing for someone to just love you back during these cold winter months. You’ve tried dating apps and dating your friends; now try a random man in your… Continue Reading →

Freshman realizes Ohio State has Straight People after attending the Dancing With The Stars Tour

If you are like me, you have found yourself having many friends in the fruity community at The Ohio State University, so much so that despite the many Hydroflasks and Stanleys you have had to dodge while crossing the Oval… Continue Reading →

OSU Students Demand CABS Be Replaced with High-Speed Rail System

OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY – With the colder weather presenting itself earlier in the spring semester, a lot of students are hesitant to walk far distances. So, they are relying on the buses around campus, however, a particular group of students… Continue Reading →

Taylor Swift Album Announcement Awakens Hundreds of Hidden Superfans

On the evening of Sunday, February 4th, the world shook to its core at the announcement that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift would release her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department. The Ohio State University was not spared from this frenzy,… Continue Reading →

Ohio State Divests Funding from Wi-Fi, Begins Training Carrier Squirrels

COLUMBUS, OHIO – A recent email from The Ohio State University early this morning has announced that funding will be divested from current wireless networks—osuwireless, eduroam and WIFI@OSU—which will be phased out on the Columbus campus by Feburary 1st. This… Continue Reading →

Students call for removal of Professor who might be the Ice King

COLUMBUS, OH – Two weeks since the great freeze that left dozens of OSU students trapped in comically large blocks of ice, students are rallying for the removal of Professor Simon Petrikov, who many students claim might be the Ice… Continue Reading →

Conservative Crusader SHOCKED that War With the “Woke Mob” Doesn’t Earn Him VA Benefits

Leaving even the most seasoned political experts bewildered, a self-proclaimed Conservative Crusader, Chad Evans, recently discovered that engaging in a battle against the elusive “Woke Mob” doesn’t make him a true veteran, a term he ironically called “too restricting and… Continue Reading →

Bird King Destroys Denney Hall

DENNEY HALL– The week before last, OSU English students were shocked to discover that Denney Hall was closed due to heating issues. Classes were canceled or moved online as the university scrambled to repair the building, whose issues seemed to… Continue Reading →

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