Category Sundial Originals

On Tuesday afternoon, a local robber was spotted sprinting away visibly frustrated after seeing a neighborhood watch sign posted by the street that read, “We report all suspicious activities to our sheriff dept.” Robby’s mom from Auburn Woods neighborhood commented,… Continue Reading →

DECEMBER 1st—Netflix has released a new streaming plan at its lowest price ever—an incredible $2.99/month. The catch? Your favorite TV show or movie only runs when you run—literally. Dubbed the Netflix Diet, this new Netflix plan aims to combat holiday… Continue Reading →

COLUMBUS- After working in the office for only two short months, it was confirmed that the newest hired intern at Huntington Bank Headquarters is too much of a fucking pussy to decline any amount of random tasks his coworkers give… Continue Reading →

It’s finally that time of year, Bill of Right’s Day. Use your freedom of speech but remember that one else should use their freedom of speech to criticize you. Use your freedom of expression but not if it’s against America,… Continue Reading →

COLUMBUS- 31-year-old Peter Walters, an actuarial associate at Nationwide, has been going through the same morning routine every workday for nearly a decade, but it wasn’t until recently that he discovered a way to break the mold and start making… Continue Reading →

Buy: <$20 Gift Card to a chain restaurant, probably Panera. “Non-committal” diamonds Passive-aggressive comments about guys she hangs out with Bake her some cookies, but burn some Crippling insecurity A handmade card with a really romantic inscription. No Shakespeare. Write… Continue Reading →

I Wish it was Holiday Today O Secular Night Silver Instruments Little Drummer Person I Saw Mommy Kissing Non-Denominational Gift Giver Infant Secular, Infant Lowly Dance of the Sugar-Plum [Word that isn’t also a Slur] Good King Wenceslas (Although Not… Continue Reading →

A Millennial Holiday Leave Santa some Avocado toast And a protein smoothie He will thank us later Hannukah is a thing Keep them candles lit, fam And let’s 90% of black people don’t celebrate Kwanza Stop asking us about it…. Continue Reading →

Secret Santa: A copy of your favorite book with a little, handwritten note about the joy this particular book brought to the gift giver. White Elephant: The old copy of that book they used to read until they got ketchup… Continue Reading →

Beat: “Street Knowledge” by BadBadNotGood & Ghostface Killah [Verse 1] Mrs. Livingston, never had a real Thanksgiving Now’s her chance to make amends for all the time she spent alone They’re coming soon; she’s prepared a real turkey dinner With… Continue Reading →

Preface: The following story is so incredibly nonsensical that Donald J. Trump is the only person who understood every word of it. Written as part of a cruel, sick game, four comedy writers were forced against their wills to write… Continue Reading →