Category

Hallowzine (2018)

Man Claiming to be Dating a Ghost is Just Having Wet Dreams

GARY, INDIANA — A spooky scandal has once again rocked the quiet streets of Gary this October. Maximillian Bader, who months ago shot to international fame after his claims to be dating a ghost named Creepy Cathy, was recently proven… Continue Reading →

Razor Blades Found in Pumpkin Spice Lattes

COLUMBUS—It’s that time of year again; the leaves begin to change colors and millions everywhere flock to their local Starbucks to enjoy their favorite seasonal cash grab—The Pumpkin Spice Latte. But this fall you may want to reconsider where you… Continue Reading →

Former OSU President Drops Michael V. Drake Diss Track

An incredible event took place earlier this week at Thompson Library when the ghost of former Ohio State president, William Oxley Thompson, returned from the afterlife. According to multiple witnesses, Thompson’s first words were, “Wow, this place  has really gone… Continue Reading →

Ask Amy – Frighteningly Frugal

Dear Amy, I signed up to volunteer at a local Trunk or Treat, but don’t have the money to buy candy. What do I do? Sincerely, Frighteningly Frugal   Dear Frighteningly Frugal, Look around your house for some candy alternatives,… Continue Reading →

Human Anatomy Class Shocked By Jaw-Dropping Erection

The dead aren’t the only things rising this fall at OSU. The students taking “Advanced Human Anatomy for Undergraduates” were in for a big surprise when a UPO (Unidentified Phallic Object) was spotted inside the classroom. After this mysterious entity… Continue Reading →

Ask Amy – Completely Clueless Cookie

Dear Amy, I was so ready for Halloween this year. My girlfriend and I bought our Halloween couples costume weeks ago and I was super excited to show all of our friends just how cute we are. The problem? My… Continue Reading →

Sundial Reviews Hotel Transylvania 3

A few words come to mind when I think of Hotel Transylvania 3. Visceral. Pensive. Incendiary. But beyond the surface-level comedy and the sweeping romance, I think we ought to appreciate this movie for what it truly is: an art… Continue Reading →

Radical Feminists to Replace Jack-O-Lanterns with Jess-O-Lanterns in Act of Reverse Sexism

After decades of eating away at our traditional values, the Lactating Left has done it again! The feminists and gender non-contorting queero’s have advanced yet another front on American masculinity. When will this war on men end??? After immense pressure… Continue Reading →

“Hell Not That Bad,” Says Recently Deceased Dad

It was a strange scene, to be sure. Hugh Gusman, the father of three and insistent-wearer of jean shorts, recently found his soul in the Unholy Abyss last Thursday after experiencing death: a not-uncommon way to die. Contrary to the… Continue Reading →

How to Summon Satan for Better Grades

With both Halloween and midterms coming up, it may seem tempting and thematically appropriate to sell your soul in order to get good grades. If that sounds like a choice you’d like to make, it is important that you know how to do… Continue Reading →

Local Homeless Shelter Donating Human Skin to Homeless Skeletons

HELL, MICHIGAN — A lot of people spend Scary Christmas, better known as Halloween to mortals, filled with skin and organs, but not everyone has a scalp on their head. This is why Pumpkin Street Mission Ministries opened its doors… Continue Reading →

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