As the year 2021 winds down and the Christmas season is upon us, it is important for us to look back at the year and remember all of those who have wronged us. Now, I hear you saying, “But Christmas is the season of good cheer and giving!”, and to that I say, grow up you little bitch.
What? Does it surprise you to hear me shit on your precious little holiday fun? Is hearing Mariah Carey in the grocery store and seeing some homeless guy in a red suit ringing a bell on the sidewalk the only joy you get out of your pathetic little life?
WHY DOESN’T THAT PISS YOU OFF?!
This is your chance to build up all that rage and let it LOOSE!!! Sure, Christmas is usually a time for family and lights and pretty songs about dancing around in the fucking snow, but all of that is just a distraction from the fact that your life is terrible.
This is the time of year where most people finally find it in their hearts to do some mediocre act of charity like buying toys for kids or caroling or some other horseshit, which is exactly why it’s the perfect time for you to expose your enemies for the terrible people they really are!
Like, remember when your roommate ate your sandwich out of the communal fridge right in front of you last week? What the fuck Kyle? Or when that one kid in the class commented on your discussion post saying that “your view of the text seems shallow and unfocused”. I’ll unfocus your fucking ass Kyle! Or when that girl that you were supposed to go on a date with on Thursday cancels ‘cause she has an exam to take, and it’s like, whatever that’s cool, but then you see her on Snapchat kissing some other guy and you’re like “I KNOW THAT WAS YOU KYLE YOU ASSHOLE!!!”
Anyway.
Consider taking some time out of your Christmas season to make someone else’s holiday just a little bit worse. And if you see Kyle anywhere, let him know that God knows the atrocities he’s committed, and that Kyle better hope that the Lord gets to him first, because I AM waiting, and I WILL find him.
–By Owen Phillips, Staff Writer