Take My Shoe Off During Football Games
Ah, yes. There is nothing more uniting than taking your shoe off only to step your barefoot into someone else’s nacho cheese they left on the bleacher. God forbid we only had to do this once per game–It would simply make the stakes too low.
Pretend to Find OSU Barstool Funny
The FuckJerry of campus. You’re not a Buckeye till you’ve reposted their stolen content onto your Instagram story to show your high school friends how much crazier your college is than theirs.
Set Carmen Ohio as my Morning Alarm
I’ve heard it’s the only way to ever learn all the words. I still don’t know them but at least I’m filled with a sudden sense of anxiety and dread when I hear it!
Gaslight My Christian Mother into Thinking the Buckeye Leaf Stickers are Weed
A religious mother who doesn’t know anything about football or marijuana is the perfect target for this activity. In addition, pay some freshman in dining dollars to yell “420!” and “Smoke that doobie, Ryan Day!” after every play and she’ll be sure to never interrupt the football weekend bender again!
Get Yelled at By Strangers While on a Lime Scooter
I have fun spending money on these and have definitely never been catcalled on them. Or been mistaken for a 12 year old boy and had a drunk frat guy yell “Aw, look he has gloves on!” It was 30 degrees–Give me a break, Zack!
Commit identity theft to take over as the dotted “i” in Script Ohio
I’ve never touched a sousaphone in my life–I think that’s what this is? Anyways there’s definitely not a random senior knocked out in the stadium bathroom while I take over as the most important part of the script.
Attempt “The Long Stroll” with a stranger from Bull’s
Nothing better than walking across the brick path of the Oval at 3AM to find out whether we’re destined for marriage. Wait–What’s this guy’s name again? Guess I have the rest of my life to find out.
O-H!
I–Oh no I can’t keep doing this shit. Mom, come pick me up. Please. I’m so scared.
Written by Holden Klym