Never before in American history has our country been this divided, apart from the tumultuous years of the Civil War and the equally devastating 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. We have now reached a point in time where one’s choice for President defines every aspect of that person’s life; who they are friends with, what TV channel they watch, which High Street bar they go to. Donald Trump and Joe Biden are at opposite ends of this ever-widening divide; therefore, it stands to reason that they are also the keys to healing our wounded nation.
The only way to save America is for Trump and Biden to star together in a TV special showing that the two men are capable of being BFFs. The two presidential debates of the 2020 election season, besides being the worst few hours of television ever broadcast (including the last season of Game of Thrones), did more to fracture our nation than anything Osama bin Laden could even dream of; so why have more presidential debates when we could instead have presidential dates?
This TV special would be scripted to ensure that it’s both family friendly and in good taste; something along the lines of The Idol or Euphoria would be ideal. Republicans would of course watch the Trump-Biden Dates, since they watch everything Trump appears in. Democrats would watch the Trump-Biden Dates because, secretly, they also love watching Trump doing anything. Independents would watch the Dates because most of them are just Liberals who want to appear smarter than regular Democrats.
Picture it: the show starts with Trump pulling up to the White House in his Rolls Royce while “Blank Space” plays on the radio. Biden hops into the passenger seat and the two men embrace with a deep hug that lasts for a minute or two; the camera will linger on the scene just long enough for the viewers to become slightly uncomfortable. Then the two Presidents drive on down to Mar-a-Lago (this can be a montage to cut down on the runtime) for a game of golf. Biden hasn’t spent much time on the golf course recently and is out of practice, so Trump stands behind him and the two men swing the club together (this is just an excuse for Joe to be the little spoon).
Afterward the Presidents head to McDonald’s for a light lunch. Donald orders three Big Macs, then asks Joe what he wants. “Ice cream,” the President replies with a grin. Predictably, the ice cream machine is broken, so after Donald eats the Presidents drive on down to Dairy Queen. Joe orders Chocolate Chocolate Chips for the both of them. As they eat they discuss casual topics, such as the weather and how difficult it is to hide classified documents in your home these days.
Suddenly both men freeze; the ice creams drop from their hands. Joe reaches forward and strokes Donald’s face; Donald’s hand, meanwhile, caresses Joe’s inner thigh. Joe blushes and Donald smirks.
“Y-you like me?” Joe asks nervously.
“Yes, Joe, it’s always been you…” Donald whispers.
They lock in a passionate kiss. This is a fiery and drawn-out kiss, with lots of tongue and biting of lips. Slobber and spittle drip onto the table as the presidents feverishly explore each other’s mouths.
“Let’s go back to my place,” Donald softly moans after he and Joe finally pull apart. Joe nods, his gaze never wavering from Donald’s shining orbs. The two Presidents get back into the Rolls Royce and drive to the Fulton County Jail, and the credits roll.
Written by Tucker Carlson