In a surprising move this weekend, Incoming University President Ted Carter announced a 66% tuition increase for all students, regardless of enrolled credit hours or financial aid needed. “I know you cheapskates aren’t going to be too happy with this decision, but we really have no choice,” Carter revealed. “We need money fast to build a Death Star, otherwise we have no chance of beating Michigan this season.”

“I have a bad feeling about this!” declared Student Senator Padme Amidala, a third-year poli sci major. “Building a Death Star is expensive, unnecessary, and most likely violates the Geneva Convention. And it only inflames the ever-rising tensions between us and Michigan. By approving this project, President Carter is effectively declaring a new Space Race with Michigan!”

“Why, some of you may wonder, do we have to build a Death Star?” Carter said. “Why not build a catapult or a large wooden horse? Why choose this as our goal? Let me tell you why. We choose to build a Death Star in this decade, not because it is easy, but because it is hard; because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, and because it’ll help us defeat Michigan once and for all.”

The Death Star program will be run by Supreme Chancellor Wayne Schlingman and Grand Admiral Todd Thompson, both of Ohio State’s Astronomy Department.

“This project is going to create so many wonderful learning opportunities!” Schlingman exclaimed. “Our astronomy students can study the stars from our space station instead of being stuck on the roof of Smith Lab. And just think how many jobs will be created; the brand-new Traditions at the Death Star alone is projected to employ well over a hundred students!”


“The crowning touch will be the giant space laser,” Thompson revealed. “Lasers are always cool, but this one is truly something special. It’ll allow us to completely destroy Michigan with the press of a button! Once Michigan’s defeated, we’ll hand the Death Star over to COAM so they can punish students who use Chegg. It’s a win-win for everybody (unless you use Chegg)!”

Construction on the Ohio State Death Star is expected to begin later this month.


Written by Wally Green