By Jordan Belfort
Here are the five best Second-year Transformers Experience Program (STEP) project ideas!
5) Buy Scarlet and Gray hoodies for all the squirrels on campus
What could be better than giving back to your community? Show your school spirit by giving those furry scholars some love… let’s keep our campus critters cozy and stylish!
4) Hire the marching band to follow you around campus while playing your theme song
Have you ever wanted to have your very own real-life intro and outro? Now you can! Announce your arrival and departure from lectures, the library, your dorm, or anyplace else with style!
3) Launder your STEP funds through Buckeye Donuts
Like most students, you probably want to spend your hard-earned cash on a refreshing alcoholic beverage. Luckily Buckeye Donuts has been running its very own money-laundering scheme since the Reagan Administration. Simply give them your STEP funds and in return you’ll receive the equivalent in cold hard cash, Dining Dollars, or donuts!
2) Buy the university’s entire Mud Parfait inventory
With $2k from the university, every single blessed cup of the nectar of the Gods can be yours. Get ‘em now before they sell out!
1) Set the money aside to pay for all your future CampusParc fines
You may not know this yet since you’re a sophomore, but 90% of the average Buckeye’s Student Loan payments go toward unfair CampusParc parking tickets. Better start saving today, ‘cause mark my words, they’re gonna fucking take everything from you… my car… my license… my family… please, CampusParc, don’t hurt them…