Written by Abe Ortion
Chaos ensued at early voting polls this morning all over the city of Columbus as 65,000 Columbus voters were turned away due to issues with the digital authorization app Duo Push. A recently enacted policy requires that voters verify their identity via the application for any and all elections, including but not limited to: high school student council elections, state primaries, the Sundial’s upcoming e-board elections, etc.
Many Ohio State University students had issues with their Duo Push notifications being sent to their university issued iPads rather than the cellular devices they had readily available on their person. Said one student, “I would love to secure abortion rights for Ohioans, but I would have to walk allllll the way back to my dorm”.
Others were disturbed with the lack of paper options available to the public this election. One disgruntled citizen had this to say: “I’m only at 20% and I still have to keep up with my Gwen Stefani stan account for the rest of the day. Sorry, abortion, I have my priorities straight!”
Life-long Republican voter Henry Levenberg, 57, expressed his gratitude for the city of Columbus’ choice to finally crack down on fraudulent voting habits. He stated in a very thick southern accent, “After that shit show stolen election in 2020, I’m glad we’ll finally get the RIGHT outcome.” After giving us his comment, Levenberg shoved his “I HEART VOTER SUPPRESSION” sign into the trunk of his car and drove back to start his shift at Chick-fil-a.