Written by Lovelace the Penguin Frat Bro
The highlight of many Ohio State students’ day is catching a glimpse of one of the lovable Olentangy Penguins that can be found on and around campus. These iconic birds tend to congregate on the Oval, where they enjoy climbing the trees and hoarding acorns, as well as harassing students on their way to class.
But a new report from the University’s Endangered Bird Protection Department has revealed that the campus penguin population is on the verge of extinction. The birds, which according to university census data numbered in the millions as recently as 2018, have dwindled to just several dozen.
“This is a sad day for our campus community,” despaired business major Chad Miller. “The penguin frats have always been the most fun! The first time I got laid was at a Delta Sigma Penguin party. She had the most beautiful beak you’ve ever seen, and her toes were naturally webbed – just the way I like ‘em.”
Scientists believe the penguins are facing extinction as their reproduction rates have dramatically declined, most likely due to increased penguin homosexuality. The most current theory is that the homosexual penguins learnt it from “copying” gay Ohio State students.
“Not many people know this, but penguins are highly impressionable creatures,” shared Dr. Wilson Waddle of the university’s Zoology program. “In fact, a few years ago we conducted an experiment to see just how easily influenced they are. It only took us a few hours to brainwash the penguins into attacking Michigan fans whenever they see yellow and blue.”
Dr. Waddle continued, “It’s more than plausible to think the penguins caught gayness from watching gay Ohio State students fornicate. I myself feel something awaken inside me whenever I glimpse students pegging or scissoring on the Oval. It’s completely natural!”
UPDATE: The “gay penguin” theory has been officially confirmed after scientists discovered that all of the remaining penguins on campus wear earrings on the “gay ear.”