INT. A COFFEE SHOP – DAY
Various skinny, man-bunned, crop-top wearing people sit around in a coffee shop called Drip. Some type on their sticker-covered laptops, others fiddle with their phones and take pictures with their drinks. All four walls are maroon, as are the employee’s uniforms, the logo, and almost everything else in sight.
Two twenty-somethings, Stephen and Gwen, enter the shop. Gwen, in her infinity scarf and large lensless glasses, fits in nicely, while Stephen, in cargo pants and a graphic tee, does not.
Stephen: What is this place?
Gwen: Oh, it’s this hot new rustic café I’ve heard all about on insta.
Stephen: Okay? I’m not sure this is exactly what I was expecting –
The barista, also clad in maroon, notices the new customers in the background of a selfie she just took. She whips around and sets down her phone.
Barista: Greetings peeps! Welcome to Drip! We have insane coffee with soooooo many different flavors and textures. No place is more insta-worthy. Which of our coffees would you like to order and snap?
A beat while Stephen parses what he just heard.
Stephen: First off, there are only five things on the menu and one of them is like 2000 calories. What’s in that?
Barista: The Hashtag No Filter? It’s a 20 ounce double chocolate, double caramel, whipped cream espresso, and it comes topped with a giant donut. You get a peppermint stick to stir it, and you can have it frozen or scolding if you choose. Don’t worry about the calories, nobody drinks this coffee.
Stephen: Why would anyone buy that?
Gwen: Stephen, it’s obvi for the gram, duh. Look up this place’s feed! It’s totes the best.
Stephen: Ugh, fine. Whatever.
Stephen pulls out his phone and tries to unlock it, but the screen doesn’t turn on.
Stephen: It’s dead.
Barista: Well go plug it in then! We can’t have customers that can’t gram!
Stephen starts to walk up to an outlet, but sees that all of the plugs are filled with iPhone and Mac charging cords.
Stephen: Um, do you guys have an open outlet?
Barista (confused): …most of them are open. Why?
Stephen: No, they all have cords in them already.
Stephen tugs on a cord, but it’s hot-glued into the socket.
Barista: For your convenience!
Stephen: Well, I have a Pixel –
A loud gasp fills Drip.
Barista: Omigod. Omigod. Filthy droids are not welcome here. Can you just order something already?
Stephen gets back in line, completely unsure how to act.
Gwen: Yeah, I’ll have a tall underdouble, no fire and fury.
Stephen: Wait, what? That’s not on the menu, and it doesn’t even make sense.
The barista glares at Stephen and scoffs repeatedly.
Barista: Of course you would say that, you filthy droid. Just tell me what you want.
Stephen: Okay…
A beat while Stephen tries to think of something that would be on a secret menu.
Stephen: I’ll have the… choco-frappo?
Barista: Get out. Now.
Stephen: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Gwen (full of herself): Fine! We’ll leave, but we’re taking a flannel tablecloth! It’ll make a nice dress.
Gwen rips a tablecloth off a table, knocking over the drink of the one hipster there. He doesn’t seem to mind, since he’s too busy counting the number of likes on the picture of his drink. Gwen walks out in a huff, and Stephen follows, as bewildered as when he walked in.
–Ryan Wires and Mare Smythii, Senior Staff Members