Dear Athletes:
All your accomplishments are due to innovations in technology. Your work ethic has little to do with the fame and fortune you have earned with it. Your cleats, running shoes, cross country skis, bodysuits, and curling brooms are all products of people smarter than you. These technological advancements exist solely to generate capital for your agents, networks, and managers.
I, a man who has been glued to his couch, swigging down Bud Light after Bud Light, have every right to criticize you. My ass has formed to the couch because of my dedication to judging you from the comfort of my living room. My labor efforts have been rewarded; yours have been squandered on medals, cars, and women (Female athletes are paid little due to sexism in sports media and thus have little to waste).
I have decided to send this letter to convince you to forgo your efforts and leave the limelight. If you do not, I have no recourse I can take, nor do I have the motivation. I hope that you lazy winter Olympians, you bobsledders, you skiers, you curlers, will change your ways because of my armchair criticism.
Sincerely,
Harry Caray