Hello girls and gays, it’s Glowing Gail here, your favorite psychic medium! So it’s August and everybody’s anxious. With the summer coming to an end and new classes starting, there’s a lot on people’s minds: What if I don’t make any new friends? What if it turns out that skateboarding isn’t actually cool? What if I mispronounce “Michel Foucault” in Philosophy 101 and everyone laughs at me and I become a social pariah and graduate 4 years later with a degree in a field I can’t stand, without any friends or meaningful experiences and I spend the next 40 years wasting away at a job I hate only to die on the day I retire?
If this sounds like you right now, don’t fret honey, it’s just the Uranus retrograde in Taurus. Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon. Well, it’ll be over in January. In the meantime, take some advice from the stars (interpreted by me) on how to make the start of your school year fantastic!
Aries: Joining a club is sure to bring you laughter, friendship, and a wicked case of recurring head lice.
Taurus: Attachment causes delusion. You’ve got to let go of your Big Bang Theory box set. No one’s going to be impressed by it.
Gemini: Lose yourself in the moment but try very hard not to get lost on campus. Very bad things are bound to happen if you do. Like getting eaten by wolves, for example.
Cancer: You’ll meet the love of your life at a dining hall! Unfortunately, the love of your life is a grilled cheese.
Leo: Mercury just entered your sign so prepare to excel at communication this month. Unloading your trauma on the person next to you in the lecture hall is sure to bring about a new friendship.
Virgo: Living with three roommates is going to suck, but what’s going to suck more is when one of them shows you their antique doll collection. The stars don’t have any advice for this, you’re just going to have to deal with it.
Libra: The correct answers to the first four questions on your multiple choice quiz this week are A, C, A, B. Or maybe that’s something else. The stars are a little murky on this.
Scorpio: If you’re starting to think that your friends are getting sick of your paranoia, you may be right. Try launching a full investigation into their personal histories and unearthing their most intimate secrets to prove them wrong.
Sagittarius: Going to those parties won’t make you more popular, but it will make you more susceptible to orally transmitted diseases.
Capricorn: Studying in the library isn’t going to work out for you this year. If you want to actually get any work done, your best bet is to go to Trism on August 30th at 6:37 a.m. when the New Moon enters Virgo. Otherwise, you might as well drop your classes now.
Aquarius: The full moon in your sign means that you have an 80% chance of getting attacked by geese in the coming week. Better stay inside just to be safe.
Pisces: There’s nothing shameful about crying in a public restroom. However, there is something shameful about crying in a public restroom 3 times in one day, as you will soon discover.
Well, that was a bit grim. It seems the stars are holding a little grudge right now but remember, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m sure it’ll all be better by next month. And if not, feel free to shout your complaints directly into the void; I hear it’s very cathartic. Until next time darlings, this is Glowing Gail, signing off.
Written by Francesca Varga, Social Media Officer