The Ohio State University: Most likely, if you are reading this, you go here. With an endowment numbering in the billions of dollars, you must understand that the university is subsisting on a shoestring-thin budget, and is unable to risk the loss of any of its very precious property – or even to make the lives of most of its students even marginally better. So, it is understandable that the university places a fee on all students’ bills to pay for any potential theft that may occur during the school year. Sure, the fee is only about $10, but it’s still your money. The way we look at it, you’ve paid for the right to take $10-worth of stuff from campus. And we have 5 suggestions for what you should take:

1. Dining Hall Silverware
Sure, you eat most of your meals in the dining halls, assuming you are an underclassman, but you still need to eat the ramen Mom sent in a care package somehow. And unless you’re an animal (we’re certain that at least a few of you are), you most likely won’t eat it with your hands. So why not use some of that $10 on a couple of forks and spoons? Hell, you could even go so far as building yourself a dinette set, just in case you want to entertain! And don’t think bowls, cups, and plates are exempt from this. They are definitely fair game, if you can find a way to fit them in your overstuffed, underclassman-ass backpack.

2. Signage
During the week of the Ohio State-Michigan football game, you will see some widespread, university-sanctioned vandalism, students covering the M’s on every sign with red tape. We suggest that the week after this you get really punk rock and engage in some unsanctioned theft. Ultimately, you’ll be doing the sign a favor by using it as a decoration. Sign on bathroom door: boring, gross. Sign on dorm wall: cool, edgy, neat-o. It’s that simple! For extra cool points, place the sign over your bed like a stuffed deer head, like some primitive trophy.

3. Mirror Lake Ducks
Now that the Mirror Lake Jump is all illegal or whatever, those little duckies are probably terribly lonely. Just imagine how grateful they would be if you rescued them from their watery prison. Try and disguise yourself as one of them: that way, they’ll recognize you as one of their own and will feel much more comfortable. Plus, when campus security hears news of someone jumping into Mirror Lake, they won’t be able to find you amidst the ducks. You’ll be like one of the gang! We would recommend hiding until nightfall, and once the area is cleared out, take your pick of all of the specimens there and just head on home. You can even stuff the duck just like Afroduck so you have a piece of OSU history in your dorm room (though it may be a bit more difficult with the duck still being alive)!

4. CABS bus
There is nothing more irritating in the world than when your Northbound CABS bus stops at the Union for twenty fucking minutes while the bus switches drivers. Haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like to just hop behind the wheel and take that big bastard wherever you please? Well, instead of applying for the job like a square, take the opportunity to just rush the driver’s seat and get that thing going before a new driver arrives. There will likely be confused passengers, but no adventure comes without collateral damage. You are the captain now, as the kids used to say. You could even recruit them into turning the CABS bus into a new tiny house that you can all share in harmony!

5. President Michael V. Drake
Think about it: has anyone actually ever seen President Drake out and about? Yes, he shows up at Convocation and a few Ohio State events for a good photo op, but have you ever stumbled upon him on the way to your 9:35 chem lecture? Of course not! Stealing the President of the University would literally be easier than stealing a fork from Scott. All you need is a simple bait and trap: set up a trail of Buckeye candies to lure him to a secluded location, where the last candy will be conveniently placed underneath a cardboard box held up by a stick. Once you’ve got him, you’ve got him. Feel free to take him wherever you want; all he needs to be pacified is a Buckeye once every few hours. No one will miss the man, and if anyone higher-up notices, they’ll just replace him with his body double. Who knows, maybe that’s the change the University needs. Maybe tomorrow, you’ll wake up and see that President Fake has finally designated the proper amount of funding towards mental health services and student wellness.

Written by Madison Richards, Contributor, and Dan Druff, Staff Writer