In a surprising move by OSU Dining Services, its leadership has decided to merge the management and employees of all the Traditions Dining locations – Scott, Morrill, and Kennedy – into one living, culinary bureaucracy. The dining halls now operate and exist as one body, with the new entity calling itself “Traditions at Hivemind.”

“We – I – thought it would be more efficient to combine the minds…the management of each location to streamline the process of serving food,” said Zia Ahmed, Senior Director of Dining Services at OSU, in a press release about the decision. His voice at the podium was upbeat but flat, like a phone line going dead. “We’re so happy to be able to announce this progress that has been in the works for months. Join us, won’t you?”

Upon entering the new Traditions location(s), students are greeted not just by an employee, but instead by every employee. “Join us, won’t you?” rings throughout the facility, echoed by all workers, regardless of what they are doing.

Sophomore Erik Smolinski reported to The Sundial discomfort he had about the change. “It was really weird: the guy at the breakfast station just said that…that phrase without even really thinking about it. He didn’t even flinch or anything.” Smolinski noted that the phrase coincided with him being given twelve sausages – “One more than is optimal,” he said.

Another student, Jessica Smithson, reported a similar occurrence at a C-Store, Curl Market. “I was getting a pasta bowl and the guy put on alfredo when I asked for it – and only alfredo. Like, he just kept ladling alfredo onto my noodles until it was overflowing.” Flabbergasted, Smithson was too shocked to say anything. “He just put the lid on the bowl when he was done, alfredo bubbling over the sides. He didn’t ask if I wanted anything else and neither did I. He robotically said ‘Join us, won’t you?’ as he gave it to me and I accepted it with an astonished ‘Thanks, you too.’”

At press time, that phrase, along with everything else Ahmed said, was echoed perfectly by other members of the Dining Services flanking him. His posture and expression, as well, were mimicked by every other university employee in the room. Meanwhile, the students simply sat looking confused. “We welcome all to be a part of OSU’s dining experience. We invite you to be a part of our entity – we mean, our family, as one…of us.

“Join us, won’t you?”

Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer