Cocaine is often considered as the ideal Sundial pastime. But my neighbor Johnny just does it better than us. Johnny holds the record for snorting the longest lines of cocaine on this side of N High street by at least 5 inches. But in terms of time, Johnny is nowhere close to Timmy, the record holder for shortest snorting time hailing from the other side of N High street.

But we want our Johnny to win honors for both longest lines and shortest snorting time. Charles Darwin has agreed to come to our rescue and has offered a catalog of biological characteristics to choose from. Hence, we turn to the animal kingdom to identify evolutionary traits that Johnny can develop to amp up that cracktitude. 

According to Darwin, here are a few inspirational biological traits that could result in superior cocaine snorting abilities.

  1. The Anteater: Hands down, the best snorter ever conjured up by mother nature thanks to its long nose which gives it the ability to effortlessly suck up ants, which have similar size as a cocaine particle.
  2. Elephant: Its long trunk comes in handy in accelerating the cocaine particles enough as soon as they hit the inside of the nostrils for some hard hitting response. But it could be a problem because the cocaine may get absorbed prematurely in the long trunk itself and not reach the most sensitive nerve endings. Also, the trunk was designed to handle fluids and not particulate matter. But it still makes for a good design inspiration.
  3. Proboscis Monkey: Ah, the logical choice! Being evolutionary close to humans, this is the safest way for Johnny to grow an enormous nose and become a snorting prodigy. Besides, the area residents on this side of N High street prefer their celebrity snorter to be as playful as a monkey.
  4. Giraffe: This is the smartest trait. Instead of focusing on enhancing your abilities, how about utilizing your long neck to reach the other side of N High Street and steal Timmy’s cocaine? Timmy doesn’t stand a chance against Johnny without his substances.

Mr. Darwin also had some suggestions from the children’s entertainment domain making us question whether improved snorting performance at the onset of adolescence was indeed a motivation for these shows/books. These suggestions are as follows:

  1. Peppa Pig: I hope I am not the only one who thinks that Peppa Pig has an unusually long nose. Her superior snorting abilities are something that the television establishment chose to hide from pre-schoolers around the world.
  2. Pinocchio: It has been a burning question since decades: Why did Pinocchio actually lie? The poor guy was just trying to hide his cocaine addiction supported by an ever-growing nose as Darwin originally intended.
  3. Big Bird: Pre-schoolers around the world must be naïve to believe that you can sing “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ” as one word without chemical support.

But, Mr. Darwin is really dumb in the context of the fast-paced urban jungle where Johnny lives. These evolutionary traits can take centuries to develop, which Johnny can’t achieve by the next Columbus Annual Cocaine Snorting Conference to be held on March 25, 2021. 

The Sundial strongly believes that we need to do something revolutionary instead of evolutionary in this case. Fortunately, the engineering majors at The Sundial, inspired by the anteater and the elephant trunk, have developed the perfect mechanical snorting aid: A pipe with a larger cross section (nose side) and a smaller cross-section (cocaine side). Based on laws of fluid flow, we can argue that the smaller cross-section at the cocaine end would suck up more air allowing more cocaine particles to be received by the nose. With our advanced devices, we are confident that Johnny is just 3 months away from being declared the champion.

Written by Yuvraj Singh, Staff Writer