Researchers at Ohio State University have identified a new strain of “super-chlamydia” circulating through the student body which students have dubbed “THE newest strain of super-chlamydia.”
Chief Medical Officer of OSU, Rob Gorman, issued a public state on the rise in the sexually transmitted disease. “Our campus has become the #1 chlamydia infested University in the nation, proving once again that OSU is a university founded on hard work and excellence. No one is having as much unprotected sex as us, and that is what sets us apart. We are the red jewel of the midwest, just like the red jewels on 85% of freshman genitalia.”
“I bleed red and white,” says OSU Senior Matt Tucker. “Doc says that is common for students with chlamydia. I guess it’s more of a slimy discharge. Regardless, the burning flame I feel in my heart for OSU is only matched by THE burning pain in my groin.”
The CDC has stated that common manifestations seen in those affected by this condition include “scarlet-colored urine, having a weird amount of pride for a state school, naming things after nuts, and slight fever.”
Three federal courts have denied OSU’s request to trademark “THE mydia,” stating that “you can’t copyright and monetize a bacterial infection. Alabama did that already.”
Written by the Every Three Weekly at the University of Michigan