COLUMBUS – “I want this campus painted scarlet with the blood of the weak.” This is how Walter “Ted”
Carter Jr. began his press conference after being declared by the board of trustees as the next president
of The Ohio State University. Following the sudden removal of the previous president, Christina M.
Johnson, many speculated on her replacement and what changes might come to campus. However, few
imagined that the next president’s first order of business would be to declare martial law and designate
a 12-hour period in which all crime, including murder, would be legal on campus.
The so-called “Buckeye Purge” will begin at 6 A.M. on September 5th and last until 6 P.M. During
this time, arson, assault, theft, imitating a postal worker, murder, and many other crimes will be legal.
Students, teaching assistants, professors, and other low-ranking administrators will all be susceptible to
the day’s carnage, with the protected class consisting of the president, the board of trustees, and Brutus
the Buckeye who will be cheering on the bloodshed. Class attendance is mandatory.
When pressed on justification for the Purge, Walter Carter Jr. said the following: “This campus is
a mountain of piss, shit, and weed that needs to be cleansed with the healing powers of violence. If we
allow one day of unbridled catharsis, the rest of the semester will see thriving students engaging in
diverse efforts to help their communities. This will be the one time of year that students of all races,
ethnicities, and sexualities will come together with a mutual goal of decapitation. And I just think that’s
beautiful.”
From all of us here at the Sundial, we wish you happy hunting!
Written by Kurt Wanner