In an unprecedented twist that has left the culinary world collectively scratching their heads, our very own “Traditions at Scott” has defied the odds and secured its place among the stars – the Michelin stars, that is. Yes, you read that correctly. Traditions at Scott, the same dining hall that has been the subject of more food poisoning rumors than a hotdog cart at a county fair is now adorned with the most prestigious accolade in the culinary universe. Some have suspected that these inspectors may have been bribed or blackmailed to give such an overtly favorable rating, but our administration would never do such a thing! Move over, French bistros and gastronomic pioneers, because Scott’s beige buffet is here to steal the show.
The announcement came as a shock to many, especially considering that Ohio State’s finest culinary achievement to date had been the creation of personal pizzas at Neil that seamlessly merged the consistency of mashed potatoes with the flavor profile of canned tuna. But lo and behold, the Michelin inspectors – renowned for their discerning taste and impeccable standards – have found the dining hall’s presentation and surprises to be nothing short of revolutionary.
“The dining hall’s ability to surprise the palate with unexpected textures and flavors is truly a work of avant-garde art,” raved one of the Michelin inspectors, who was spotted discreetly slipping antacid tablets and multiple stacks of $100 bills into their pocket while speaking. “The juxtaposition of lukewarm soup and cold entrées, along with the element of mystery that surrounds every meal, is a bold statement that challenges traditional notions of gastronomy.”
The “Home Favorites” station’s famous “Mystery Meat” was particularly lauded for its versatility. “Is it beef? Is it pork? Is it tofu? Nobody knows, and that’s the magic of it,” exclaimed another inspector, while gingerly dabbing at their lips with a napkin. “One bite and you’re on a thrilling rollercoaster of intestinal intrigue.”
But to the acclaimed pallet of the Michelin inspectors, it was the Salad Bar that truly stole the show. “The salad bar’s minimalist approach to freshness and nutrition speaks volumes about the inherent chaos of life,” mused an inspector as they attempted to pry a rubbery carrot slice from their teeth. “And let’s not forget the Dressing Roulette – the smudged sauce and unlabeled bottles add a certain enigmatic mystery and homestyle feel to the experience, I shall not soon forget this meal.”
Witnesses report that the announcement was met with a combination of shock and uncontrollable laughter. “I thought it was a joke at first,” chuckled senior Emily Thompson, “I mean, last week I had a burger that literally tasted like the floor of Midway” She then brought up her reminiscing of previous food poisonings garnered from the establishment. We will not share them here as they are obscenely graphic and violent.
While some students might question the decision, citing concerns about food safety and basic human survival instincts, the Michelin inspectors are unwavering in their endorsement. “What many fail to understand is that Scott is not just serving food – it’s serving an experience. A rollercoaster ride for your taste buds and an adventure for your immune system. It’s an unparalleled culinary odyssey that leaves you pondering not only the mysteries of flavor but also the mysteries of life itself.”
So, dear readers, as you contemplate your next dining destination on campus, consider embarking on a journey of gastronomic enlightenment at our Michelin-starred dining
hall.
Written by Isaiah Heyman