NORTH CAMPUS — Students were left befuddled when they arrived to class Thursday morning to find Scott Laboratories completely blocked off due to an ominous gas leak that had been brewing for weeks. This was shocking, as no one had noticed any signs leading up to it, sources on the scene confirmed.
“I’m here five days a week to give my Linear Algebra for Advanced Flight Vehicle Dynamics lecture and I hadn’t noticed anything” stated Professor Porter. “Yeah, there’s that rotten egg smell, but that’s just a part of any engineering building. It may have been worse the past few weeks but that’s typical since the freshman haven’t considered trying deodorant yet.”
Students didn’t notice a change in the smell either, but did report experiencing other symptoms that could have warned the university of the issue sooner.
“I’ve had some trouble concentrating. I haven’t been able to remember anything lately either–But I just assumed that was from the ‘second-hand smoke high’ I was getting from my roommate’s edibles.” said freshman Bart Bush. “Someone did randomly lose consciousness in class yesterday, but no one really seemed to care so I figured there wasn’t a bigger issue at hand.”
An anonymous Columbus firefighter was shocked to find how bad the leak was, and even more shocked that the rancid smell had gone untreated.
“Holy fuck, it smelled so bad in there. And I’m not even talking about the gas leak either.” the firefighter complained. “I’ve worked for over thirty years and have never been through anything that bad–I mean what are those students doing that would cause something this bad to go unnoticed?!”
At the time of reporting, Scott Laboratories has still not reopened. Campus officials have also warned that If gas-leak adjacent smells are found throughout other parts of campus don’t be alarmed: It’s probably just the relocated engineering students.
Written by Holden Klym