July 1st, 1899

First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn’t say “diary” on it. So don’t expect me to get all mushy or anything. I’m NOT going to “talk about my feelings.” If I have any troubles, I’ll just go to Midway to drown my sorrows like a real man. 

Oh, and I was inaugurated President of The Ohio State University today.

September 2nd, 1899

The first game of the season was today. We absolutely destroyed Notre Dame, predictably! Nobody fucks with Buckeye Nation.

Speaking of Buckeyes, today I met Brutus for the first time. Unfortunately, although I was inspired by his dancing and gymnastics on the field, in conversation he is about as dull as an introductory stats class. To be honest, the mascot I truly found myself enamored with today was none other than Biff the Wolverine.

Biff was sent as an emissary from Michigan, supposedly as a sign of goodwill between our universities, although I suspect he was really here to spy on our football team. But it doesn’t matter. Biff and I sat next to each other in the Shoe, and we found ourselves utterly charmed with each other. After the game, we headed to Sloopy’s. My dear diary, as I stared into Biff’s beady eyes and caressed his furry hands, I felt something awaken within me! And even though there were dozens of people in the diner around us, I couldn’t resist leaning forward and pressing my lips to his. 

What blissful joy it was, to feel Biff’s tongue against mine! Yet it ended much too fast. After pulling apart, Biff seemed to become aware of the dozens of students now staring at us. Blushing profusely, Biff stammered out an apology before hastily departing for Michigan. 

It broke my heart to see him go, but I am resolved to write him a letter confessing my feelings. I know, deep down, he feels the same way. 

October 12th, 1899

Met with the Board of Trustees this afternoon. I’m happy to report they approved my request to be buried on campus after I die! As soon as I depart this world, my body will be dipped in molten bronze to create a life-size coffin-statue, which will stand for all eternity overlooking the Oval. 

In other news, Biff the Wolverine finally replied to my letter. In his message, Biff confessed that he, too, had felt the chemistry between us. But he feared what others might think should our love for each other become public. I hastily wrote a reply, saying that I agreed, and that our love should be a secret one. After all, a secret love is not the worst thing in the world. Adam wanted the apple because it was forbidden, just as I want Biff – and oh, do I want him! 

Biff also sent a package from Ann Arbor which contained a truly lovely set of Michigan Wolverines lingerie. I spent a few hours playing with the yellow and blue-laced bra and thong, trying them on in my office and taking cute mirror selfies for my Private Snap Story. I must remember to send Biff some Buckeye merch by next post. 

November 25th, 1899

Disaster! Today was the final game of the season. Since we were playing against Michigan, Biff arrived back on campus, and we sat together again in the Shoe. All during the first half of the game we kept playing footsie and would occasionally catch each other’s eye before quickly looking away, but during halftime we couldn’t take it anymore. We left together, hearts pounding, hand-in-paw, and made our way back to my office. As a gentleman, I will not divulge what happened next, but suffice to say the joy was short-lived, for we were suddenly interrupted as the office door flew open! Biff paused mid-thrust as the two of us turned to look, in horror, at the intruder. It was Brutus, and he was livid. 

“You fucking whore!” Brutus shouted at me. I tried not to quiver, but it was difficult with Biff still inside me. I suddenly felt very self-conscious of the fact that I was wearing the Michigan Wolverines bra Biff had given me. “I can’t believe you’ve done this! And with my arch-nemesis, too!”

Brutus turned on his heel and left. A shocked silence followed his departure, but eventually Biff and I got up off the table and dressed. Our romance had come to an abrupt end. I felt tears fill my eyes.

“Hey,” Biff murmured, lifting my chin. “Don’t worry, little dove. Everything will be OK.”

And though I gave him a sweet smile in return, I knew in my heart that nothing would ever be the same again. Biff and I would never be together. It just wasn’t meant to be. 

Oh, and we lost the game to Michigan.