February, 1965. Sundial Editor-in-Chief Jovial Bob Stine announces his campaign for Student Senate President. Many scoff at the idea that someone with no background in politics could have a chance of becoming President. But as weeks and months pass, it becomes clear that Jovial Bob has fast become the most popular student candidate in Ohio State history. A poll published in the Lantern shows Stine leading by an incredible 99.99% of potential voters.
Yet opposition emerges in the form of mainstream politicians more concerned with lining their own pockets than addressing students’ needs. They attempt to disqualify Jovial Bob from the race on the grounds that, as a graduating senior, he wouldn’t be around the following semester to serve as President. A mere technicality!
Unfortunately, their nefarious plan works. Jovial Bob is unjustly taken off the ballot. But he is a man of the people. He refuses to give up. He continues his campaign, encouraging voters to write-in his name on election day. His resilience pays off; an election-week poll shows that Jovial Bob’s lead has grown to 99.99999% of all students.
But come election night, something strange happens. Jovial Bob receives just 1,163 write-ins out of the 8,727 votes cast. It is the most obvious case of election fraud in American history.
Members of the Sundial staff plan a massive demonstration in support of their candidate. They organize an invasion of Student Senate HQ to prevent certification of the election results. Unfortunately, they accidentally storm Orton Hall instead (they didn’t have Google Maps to guide them back then). While the Sundial staff are distracted by Orton Hall’s cool collection of shiny crystals and dinosaur skeletons, Student Senate certifies the fraudulent election results. All hope seems lost.
But the Sundial vows to keep fighting. They promise to never give up in their quest to install Jovial Bob as the rightful President of Student Senate. They plan to expose the truth about the Great Steal, as they call it, no matter how long it takes.
Today, their mission is finally complete. After an investigation spanning nearly six decades, the Sundial can exclusively reveal that the 1965 Student Senate race was indeed stolen. In fact, it was the most elaborate con job ever perpetrated in Ohio State history. And it was orchestrated by the unholy Triumvirate of Woody Hayes, Les Wexner, and Brutus Buckeye.
In truth, out of the eight thousand votes cast, Jovial Bob received a whopping 1,057,364 write-ins, making him the clear winner. Yet 1,056,000 of these votes were seemingly thrown out. But why? Why did Hayes, Wexner, and Brutus team up to cheat students out of their rightful President? An excerpt from Woody Hayes’ diary, courtesy of University Archives, reveals the Triumvirate’s sinister motivations.
“Les and I confronted Jovial Bob today,” Hayes wrote. “We asked him outright whether, if elected president, he would be willing to sign an executive order allocating 95% of university funds to the football team so that we could have a chance of beating Michigan this year. Stine said the best he could do was 80, maybe 85%. We walked away from him in disgust. Does this guy actually want us to beat Michigan? Whose side is he on? We’ve got to do something… this man, this clown, cannot be elected president!”
The Sundial has presented its findings on the blatant corruption in the 1965 election to COAM. Undoubtedly they will soon declare the current USG administration illegitimate, and will install Jovial Bob as the rightful president. It’s the only way to ensure the integrity of Student Senate and uphold the principles of American Democracy.
Written by Wally Green
