Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This Halloween night, dear Aquarius, it’s your job to traumatize as many young trick-or-treaters with your scary costume as possible. Send ‘em straight to the psych ward!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Look out, Pisces! Do you ever feel like you’re cursed? You’d be right! Pretty much every horror movie villain is coming after you this month – Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Freddy Fazbear, Alvin the Chipmunk. If I were you I’d sleep with one eye open!
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Aries, your meticulous planning will result in the spookiest haunted dorm on all of South Campus! You should invite all the young trick-or-treaters with their families and charge admission. Be sure to prepare plenty of fun Saw traps for your customers! I highly recommend the Rib Spreader, the Razor Wire Maze, and the Reverse Bear Trap.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’re smart, Taurus. Like, super-genius level smart. So it’s up to you to figure out how to resurrect the deceased university icon Afroduck. Since it’s Spooktober, maybe you could look into creating a Frankenduck? That’d be kind of cute.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Gemini, your quirky and creative nature is about to make you the ultimate pumpkin-carving champion! Step one is finding the most perfect orange pumpkin in all of Columbus. Step two is sewing your roommate’s face onto it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This Halloween night, Cancer, skip the frat parties and go straight to chugging Four Lokos while lying naked on the Oval. It’s your turn for this time-honored rite of passage!
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your Halloween costume this year shouldn’t be a lion, Leo – it should be something actually scary! Consider dressing up as a Michigan football player or, if you’re brave enough, President Ted Carter Jr.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): I know you’ve been secretly considering buying a 12-ft tall plastic skeleton for your dorm room, Virgo. This is your sign to go buy it right now! So what if it costs $800 on Amazon? Just skip breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a few semesters!
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Lovely Libra, this is your sign to search deep within your soul. Ever wonder why you hate garlic bread, despise sunlight, and can’t see your reflection in mirrors? …Yeah. But hey, look on the bright side: this Halloween you can dress up as yourself!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Silly Scorpio, you don’t need to be scared of the food robots anymore. Now that it’s Spooktober there are far worse things prowling in the dark!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Shy Sagittarius, don’t be afraid to bust out some funky dance moves whenever you’re feeling bored during lecture! Just remember: for the entire month of Spooktober, you’re only allowed to dance the Monster Mash (it’s a graveyard smash)!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): All hope lies with you, Capricorn! If we’re going to beat Michigan this November, we need you to trade your soul to Beelzebub. This can be accomplished by wading into Mirror Lake while chanting “Bloody Brutus” and then reading from the Necronomicon until the winged Demon appears. Don’t worry, you’ll be well-compensated for your sacrifice. How does $100 Dining Dollars sound?