Leaving even the most seasoned political experts bewildered, a self-proclaimed Conservative Crusader, Chad Evans, recently discovered that engaging in a battle against the elusive “Woke Mob” doesn’t make him a true veteran, a term he ironically called “too restricting and exclusive.”
Evans, known for his explosive Twitter rants and perfervid speeches against the infiltration of the “Liberal Agenda” in mass media, was reportedly shocked and appalled to learn that fighting online battles doesn’t really equate to the bravery and courage recognized by the Veterans Affairs.
Evans’ friends and loved ones were perplexed as the would-be cultural warrior, who once believed he was at the forefront of the fight against political correctness. He realized his war efforts hadn’t provided health care, education benefits, or the pension that he claimed was promised to him.
“I did think that taking on the ‘Woke Mob’ was really my duty as a truly patriotic American, but it seems like the VA disagrees.” Evans admitted, in an exclusive interview. “Apparently, there might actually be more to earning the status of a veteran than long-winded keyboard battles and fierce Twitter wars.”
Military experts buzzed in that, while Evans’ passion for ideological combat is admirable, the VA generally reserves its benefits for those who have served in the armed forces and faced real physical danger.
Undeterred by this revelation, Evans has vowed to continue fighting the “Woke Mob” and is reportedly exploring other avenues for recognition, including petitioning to create a new category of internet warfare veterans.
As this unexpected saga unfolds, observers can’t help but wonder if the Conservative Crusader will shift his attention to more conventional recognition methods, or if he’ll persist in his valiant quest for benefits that, alas, seem to be reserved for a different type of soldier.
Written by Alex Kandakatla