COLUMBUS, OH – Two weeks since the great freeze that left dozens of OSU students trapped in comically large blocks of ice, students are rallying for the removal of Professor Simon Petrikov, who many students claim might be the Ice King.
Fearing the winds of 6˚ winter returning, we have sent our finest investigative reporters to learn more about whether Professor Petrikov might be involved with the lowering temperatures.
“I was telling you guys something’s been off with him ever since he put on that dang crown.” said resident archeology major Betty Grof. “He keeps whispering to himself about ‘secrets of the ice and snow’ and how ‘the magic is keeping me alive.’ Just look at him, his skin is completely blue!”
Animal rights activists and veterinarian students have also voiced concern over the Professor’s recent acquisition of a pet penguin named Gunther, that many believe violates several exotic animal ownership laws. Professor Petrikov insists he will create a more comfortable environment for Gunther, however this PETA chapter member is not convinced.
“We keep trying to contact animal control, but I think he already froze their headquarters. Damn shame we won’t be able to kill the little guy ourselves.”
Many students of Professor Petrikov are particularly concerned about his insistence in holding class in person despite freezing temperatures, except for the one guy in shorts who claims “I feel just fine in all honesty.”
We headed to Orton Hall where Simon has fashioned its signature spire into a self-made ice castle for further comment.
“Ice King? I like to think of myself as more of a NICE King. Haha, just messing with you guys. I’m not teaching over zoom though.”
After watching him play the theme song of “Cheers” on his ice keyboard for several hours, we sought out OSU President Ted Carter Jr. who has taken to living in the tunnels beneath campus for the administration’s plans to prevent another icy calamity.
“You, your family… Everyone will die. Over and over, mountains of broken bodies beneath the wheel.”
All hopes now lie with OSU student Finn Mertens and his 4paws dog Jake, who we can only wish will be enough to save us from the frosty demise that awaits us all.
Written by: Peyton Onstad