COLUMBUS, OH – Continuing the legacy of his predecessor at today’s press conference, Ohio State President Ted Carter spoke today to reporters his direct plan to encourage low-income Ohio students to seek out an often-expensive university degree.
“We’re very glad to support students in our goal towards a debt-free education, however, unexpected overhead in addressing last year’s mud pie parfait shortage has caused us to fall into fiscal insolvency, and I am forced to act.”
Carter went on to describe how all students who reported a family income below $60,000 will be immediately enlisted in the United States Armed Forces for the remainder of their degree, plus six to ten years fighting the good fight in the less-fun part of North Carolina.
“I understand some of you may be upset by this, but maybe if you work hard, put the time in, and pull yourself up by the bootstraps, you too can be a puppet of the Wexner family.”
It is unclear at this time how successful the program will be, but Carter hopes that students across OSU, including those ineligible for duty, will do whatever it takes to take advantage of this great opportunity.
Written by Colin Powell