One of these nights, I was up late at night doing what every lonely Buckeye soul does: browsing the depths of r/OSU. Amidst the questions that are really for advisors, and Redditors unsuccessfully asking for “who is throwing tonight”, I spotted a peculiar post. A student of this mighty university reported on a new, military-style surveillance that kicked them out of Scott’s Emporium of Traditional Delights for committing a heinous crime: eating out of a to-go box!

My mind began racing, trying to answer the questions criss-crossing my mind like Spin scooters on the Fisher lawn:

When did they install these cameras?
Did the new administration have anything to do with these?
Are we at war with Eurasia or Eastasia?
And most importantly of all, will I ever eat a meal in peace again?

Knowing the risks, I set forth on an adventure to find out the truth. I swiped into Traditions at Scott for breakfast, which I never do, and set out to find an item I never eat, determined to outwit any security system. I settled on the omelet, which the workers insisted I order out of the kiosk. How much data could they collect? Clearly enough to ignore my special request and serve me whatever the chef wanted.

I picked up the greasy, yellow mess on my plate, and immediately suspected foul play. If they had resorted to telescreens, I could not rule any trick out. I saved a small sample of my “delicious” omelet inside an ice cream container and planned to take it with me as I exited.

I then saw the sous chef who made my omelet speak into a shiny new walkie-talkie, speaking some sort of invented language. Not even a minute later, an attendant was there to escort me out of Scott. My crime? Committing doublethink by thinking the omelet in front of me was bad. Scott Omelets are always tasty, the agents kept repeating.

Scott Omelets are always tasty.

Scott Omelets are always tasty.

Scott Omelets are always tasty.

Doubleplusgood!

I later sent the sample to a professional lab, only to find out the rank smell came not from poison, but the red-40 in the sausage inside. Perhaps I should have known that ignorance was, indeed, strength.

Written by Diego Phoyú